My Petrichor Pages

 All good things must come to an end. It is important. And just like that, I said my final goodbye to DD. It was the most simple yet heartfelt goodbye. In that moment I realised how we always take the good things around us for granted. He did and so did I. I could see how sad DD was. I felt horrible about it. Completely horrible. But I didn't choose this for us. His actions did. I just respected his wishes.  Tee told me something beautiful at my 30th birthday. She said that instead of focusing on the Dos that I want in my partner, we should focus on the Don'ts! I don't want a partner who is untrustworthy. I want to be able to sleep peacefully at night cause I know that I am enough for him. That he is sleeping as peacefully knowing that I am solely in love with him. That this is our bubble and it is beautiful! Why do people realise the value of a person when they are about to lose them! Why does the anxiety kick in then and not before? I take pride in the fact that I always ...

This is my most productive time of the day. When I write my blog. When I organize my thoughts. When I listen to my inner voice. Lately, my world has been revolving around someone who has been in all my 11.11 wishes. I don't know why but I see him each time I close my eyes. 13 more days to go and I will see him for the first time. I will hold him for the first time. I will have coffee with him for the first time.  There is this emptiness in my heart. I know that I was born for this reason- to find and nourish true love. To take care of someone. To be the best version of myself and help them achieve the same! On the work front, I am highly dissatisfied with my work. It sucks, to say the least. I had a team to support me in the past. I had some support staff always. Here it is a one (wo)man show. My Reporting Manager is already bombarded with a million things so he can't keep track of my project. I have made 20 tools for a single project. My brain is not working. There is a consta...

 Why am I not my own biggest cheerleader? Why is it so hard to tell yourself that you are good enough, irrespective of what you look like? Why does my overthinking have to kill each happy vibe that I have? I'll explain. AG92 is coming to my city in 13 days. I will meet him for the first time on 14th December. I made the mistake of seeing his ex last night. She looks exactly like my ex best friend and I have not been able to get her image out of my head. Why is it so hard to accept that two women can be beautiful at the same time in their own unique way! Why am I so competitive that I need to be better than her? Maybe I am not. Maybe I never will be. I did the exact same thing to DD. I think it is a venomous pattern and I need to break it in my 30s! This needs to go. Let us simply organize our thoughts first. When I was with DD, I was asked out by people who maybe, were better looking than him. But I chose DD because he is everything that I need in the right quantity and he makes me...

 I feel refreshed. I feel new. I feel full. I feel content. I feel grateful. I feel blessed! The last 4 days of my life have been so beautiful! Every single person who is a part of my circle made an effort to make me feel super special! My mom made my 30th birthday the best birthday I've ever had. AG92 was with me throughout the day, even if virtually. DD came all dressed up for the night, he actually put in a lot of effort in getting ready and I appreciated that. All my friends, even though they were late, but they still came and made me feel like the most important person in the world. I was celebrated for being me.  My friend Tee, made us play a very interesting game that was all about me. And I wanted that, quite honestly. Everyone had to say how do they know me and what is the one thing about me that they really value. And of course, one embarrassing story, which I will not mention here at all! But I still want to pen down some of the beautiful things that were said about...

 This is my last blog as a 29 year old woman. From tomorrow, I will be a 30 year old woman. 30! Fuck! I want to be honest here. I am scared af. Cause I do not know what to expect. Which brings me to the most important question that I have been meaning to ask myself for such a long time now - Am I truly proud of myself?  The answer to this question is YES! My reasons to be proud of myself will not include a single materialistic reason. I don't have a house. I don't have a car. I don't have gold jewellery. I haven't taken a Euro Trip in ages.  What I have instead is -  1. I have helped people who were struggling to make ends meet to receive some funds to make their lives simpler.  2. I have stood up against my Stepdad and father time and again to protect my mom.  3. I have given a lot of love to a lot of undeserving people but at the same time have gracefully exited their life when things got ugly.  4. I have dared to work with really big and famous orga...

 I started the year crying in bed because I was left for no reason by the Pilot. Joined Bumble, met Cookie King. Too much of sweet is bad for your health and he proved that right. Human took me out on a date and I wanted to have a good V Day with him, but I never learn. Human = Disappointing me always since the first day we met! Same night I met SS. SS was a good guy. We dated for a week and then I realised he was fucked up. Good fucked up, but still.  By March I was a mess again. My job sucked. I had no contract, 0 money, sexually harassed at my workplace, single. I was literally at my worst back then. That's when DD came along. It has been the craziest of all journeys of my life. Happy, sad, ecstatic, crazy, stupid, powerful, dynamic, real, authentic. But that ended too. We are still great friends who will always care about each other and be there for each other. But other than that, there was not much to us.  My year will be ending with AG92. Here's hoping. My new year...

 I will be turning 30 soon. 3 and the big 'OH'. Oh sounds like Hoe reversed, doesn't it? Do I feel like one? Now that I've mentioned it, I don't feel so good about anything these days. My period is late for starters. And it is making me cranky. AG92 is being a dick, mostly cause he is sick, and partially cause he is incapable of human emotions. DD is untrustworthy, as usual. A few of my friends have decided to ditch me on my birthday. Wait, there is more. I have a terrible cold and cough and of course, headaches are free with these two! My colleague with massive body odour issues just entered office and I can smell her from across the room, with a stuffed nose, so that is something! Oh god, the stench! It feels like someone described the current smell of my life. If my life right now could have a signature fragrance, it would resemble her awful stench!  To top it off, work is hard. Like really hard. I am exhausted even before the day begins. I look forward to going ...

 Am I again trying to see him for who he is not, for who he just "might" become? Am I placing my bet on potential knowing fully well that the reality is that he is incapable of loving someone. Why does fake love give more comfort as opposed to the reality? The reality is always inconclusive. Always. Am supposed to be okay with the breadcrumbs, again? DD offers me the world only when I end things. Not otherwise. He is still hopeful to find the love of his life. I actually find it so amusing! I hope to find someone nice and then work towards the relationship, while he aims to find someone perfect. Like a made to order model. I feel like Carrie all the time when Big chooses Natasha over her. Why wasn't it me? She kept asking. Kept badgering herself with this question. I stopped asking myself this months ago. Sometimes you simply need to make peace with the fact that people are idiots and they are meant to regret losing you. They will. That is the law of nature.  AG92 is inca...

 An oxymoron, isn't it? That's what I feel like these days. I am so sick and tired of playing this game. This game wherein one holds the power to crush you heart. Truth be told, it has happened to me not once, not twice, but 6 times this year. I have been let down, not so gently, on several occasions. Heartbreaks stop hurting as bad each time my heart breaks a little. People are nothing but new cracks in my heart. The optimist in me continues to cherish the good memories and use it as a tape to hold my heart together. But what happens when the stickiness of the tape begins to fade away.  Sometimes I feel that I did not process my grief completely. I let it simmer for a while, only for the flames to burn me later on. Did I wish for too much? I saw a shooting star a few months ago with DD. While he wished for his startup, I wished for him. Wasted my wish on a shooting star! Which brings me to the bigger question - are our wishes ever heard or are we forced by fate to follow the ...

 Now what? Stuck again? DD makes me lose my mind! This love is crazy. I did not speak to him for a week. In that one week, I was miserable. Horribly miserable. Loneliness trumps pride any day. Truth be told, I am not as afraid of loneliness as I am of not having him around to hold me, having experienced his love.  This time there is a twist! A lovely twist. We have the entry of a new dashing hero: AG92. Never met him. My best friend from my Bristol days, Tee, she introduced us. In one word, he is polite. Polite and respectful. I, on the other hand, am being overly nice to him for some reason. Is it because I have a genuine sense of concern for him cause he lost his mom. Initially, I was more nice to him than usual cause I even shudder to think of the day when my mom does not call to ask me about what I've had so far and what will I have for dinner? I think, I am more of a nurturer (who does not know how to cook :P). So my niceness was directly proportional to my concern for hi...

 I am on really heavy pain medication. I am drowsy af. But I still want to type this. Just when I thought I was over DD, I clearly wasn't. Came back home yesterday. Was on my knees. Crying. Begging god for some direction. I am having a hard time at work these days. Earlier I used to call DD and discuss it. Now, I don't have that liberty. In the words of Sabaa Khan from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil : "Mohabbat karna humaare bass me nahi, par us mohabbat se dur chale jaana, wo humaare bass me hai". That's what I did.  He wants someone else.  Someone else != Me I wish I can be someone else for someone else. Does it make sense to you? Does it even make sense to me?  I was constantly trying to say to myself what he would have said to me. His voice is still so fresh in my head. He is a troubleshooter, so he would have calmly heard me out, and given me a step by step solution. I am so drowsy right now, don't even know what I am typing. But I need to get him out of my system.  ...

 Today's date is very special to me. 19th September. Reasons:  1. I met Aadi, my first real boyfriend on 19.09.2009 2. I went to UK on 19.09.2014 3. I attended my boss's house party last year on this date when I realised I never wanted to become a full-time employee of that organisation. I came back home and my best friend and I called Nescafe to make him realise what a jerk he has been to me over the years. It actually worked cause it felt like the spell broke! I was free from him. The second she told him what all I had gone through cause of his indifference, I felt that my pain was finally validated and it stopped hurting. 4. I was supposed to leave for UK on 19.09.2021 but that never happened I am writing this from the comfort of my home, sipping amazing Hillcrest tea that I picked up from a fancy hotel I was staying in with DD. So glad it was complimentary. I tried not to look at today's date, but as fate would have it, it's right there, everywhere. On my phone, on ...

 No, really. Just think about it. There is a good day. And then life resumes its course. You get deeply involved in your work, swiping people left, right and centre on dating apps, doing your household chores, meeting a few friends every now and then, crying over an ex. Crying some more. And then, you make random plans to go to a heritage city with him. And then for those two days, life is back to being good.  Why does it so happen with some people, it is so easy to pick up where you left from. I am too afraid to tell my friends I went on a road trip with him. They hate him for obvious reasons. He has become a dirty little secret of my life. But I loved playing badminton with him, loved watching him take a shower and dancing like it was nobody's business, loved how he protected me from the locusts, loved how he would get desserts for me from the buffet, loved how he lent me his t-shirt (which I am keeping btw), loved that he played terrible tabla on the table imitating my "Ban...

I haven't seen Closer yet, but there a scene between Natalie and Jude Law that keeps popping up on my Instagram. She tells him that no one will ever love him like her and asks him with desperate eyes "Why isn't love enough?". It's not. It never was. It never will be.  I don't have much to lose now. I imagine the worst that can happen and it all leads to god. Every single time. No, I am not suicidal. I am just processing all that life has thrown my way. I think I have a habit of putting things inside a box and locking it. That's my coping mechanism. Hoping and praying that it does not manifest in some way or the other when triggered. What's working well for me?  1. My health 2. My mom's health 3. A stable job 4. A decent house 5. A few good friends  What's not working for me?  1. An indecisive heart 2. Lack of passion in my work  3. Lower back pain ( and I am not even doing anything about it which is wrong) 4. Lack of a vision for my future I ha...

I think that with 0 attachments left in my heart for anybody, I am finally ready to leave this city and move to a place where no one knows me. Where the shadow of a manipulative Reporting Manager from an MNC does not lurk around me, nor that of a sexual predator. A place where there are no exes, no friends, no family. In short, Mars! Kidding. I am so done with this city. I went for house hunting again yesterday. It was a rude shock. Where is home? I am not even going to begin to describe the dingy locations where these houses were located (my budget fits dingy for now).  Today happens to be Janmashtami. All my friends are busy posting their kids pictures as Kanha. Krishna, does that make you smile? I tried so hard to find them cute, but I could not. Maybe cause I am sulking due to the absence of my own kids or maybe it is because I just don't like people now. At all! 10 good things I did for myself over the weekend:  1. Cleaned my desk, my almirah, my showpiece stand 2. Cleane...

 DD called in the morning, and just like that I forgot about everything. I'll give it all up for him in a heartbeat, he won't do the same for me. I have 10 people who are into me right now. Not even kidding. 10. 2 people at work  1 Nawaab (not in real, but he is from Lucknow so we can name him that) 1 Lawyer* 1 Pilot* AF  Vitamin D  1 Sailor  2 School friends  But the second it comes to DD, I forget about them all.  DD > ∑ (all the men stated above)  DD is home. No matter how much of a mess he makes, I still want to see myself with him. Just him. I feel like the spider who takes two steps forward, only to fall 10 steps back. I am so done talking about him to anybody. I hate him, I love him, I hate that I love him. I wish DD could put an end to my misery. I keep pushing myself to meet people, in that moment everything feels fine, but when I am back in an empty house, it is torturous.  DD has been insensitive at times. I know he doesn't...

 This was the first time, after my break up that I woke up with a smile. I woke up happy. DD was not the first thought I had. I didn't rush to check my phone for his message. I felt good. I took out my brightest indigo blue kurti and paired it up with a beautiful dupatta. I was about to pair it up with the one he bought me. I decided not to. It just didn't match anymore. It's not like it is not gorgeous. It is still drop dead gorgeous. But something in me had changed. It just did not match with what I wanted right now. Something else matched. I had completely forgotten about this other dupatta I had. And it matched perfectly.  I woke up like the song - Kuch toh Hua Hai was playing in the background. My Aman, chose to not be with me. He didn't have an illness. He just decided for the both of us. But is AF Rohit? He wants to take me out for an ice cream everyday. At 29, this makes me happy. Just this. Someone wants to see me after a long day at work, just to crack a few j...

 How did this happen? It was totally unplanned! I went to see him as a friend. Let's name him AF. Nothing else. Just as a friend. He is a good distraction from DD. While I share this amazing comfort level with DD, but all my calls with him end with a sigh! Wishing that he would have chosen me. If someone could keep a track of the number of times I have seen Meredith's "Pick me, choose me, love me" video on YouTube, they would get a hint of what I am going through!  Nescafe left me for his ex, DD is leaving me in the hopes of finding an ever lasting love. Don't know which is worse. To be left for someone or to be left for no one. But that's not the point.   AF is a guy I met on Bumble. We have been texting for a week. We met once last week. It was a good date but I realised that we are very different so we should stick to a platonic friendship.What an oxymoron! Weren't friendships always meant to be platonic! Anyway, we decided to go for a drive last night....

 I have been avoiding this question for such a long time now, in hopes that I don't end up disappointing myself. Our hopes and dreams also have the power to crush us. Unfortunately, I am the kind who gets lazy after her dream gets crushed. I don't think I am as resilient as the others who keep striving to achieve excellence. My PhD was my dream. I wanted to study so much more. I wanted to spend days in the library, actually picking up a book and learning. I don't care if it took 5 years. I needed it for myself. And now, I am complacent with this 9-5. It's like I had to suffocate my dreams to survive. I wish I had the funds. I wish I had a little bit more support from my supervisor. I just wish! Sigh!  I know what I want. I don't want to stay here. Who am I kidding. I don't belong here. I belong there where even when I am alone, I am not lonely. I am not meant to be here. I have to start my life there. I don't have a husband. I have just me! That's all I ...

 Just deal with it! Move along, instead of moving on. If it was meant to be, it will be. And god knows, how many more such quotes I have to go through in order to stop feeling the way I feel. Cause bewildered is what I feel. Hurt is what I feel. Lost is what I feel. Clueless is what I feel.  I'll be turning 30 in November. Where is he? Is he even coming along? Or am I meant to stray and bark against all these wrong trees. Why does every tree feel like the right one. Maybe I am too blind to even notice if the tree is real or fake.  Now what? No, seriously! What now? Me, by myself. Watching Netflix. And trying to not be haunted by all the flashbacks that keep hitting me so hard. How do you mourn the loss of a person who chooses to not be with you. A life without me is what he wanted. I didn't want that. I always try to make it work. Always. At this point, I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I gave my all in this one. Loved him way more than I loved Nescafe. Never th...

 I look out of my window and I see the sky, limitless. I wish I could say the same about love. Love always comes with its set of constraints. Doesn't it?  Caste, religion, race, colour of my skin, height, texture of my hair, my qualifications, my employability, the fact that I talk too much. Everything is always taken into consideration. Always. It might be stated in different words, but the meaning is always the same. "You're not the one I am looking for". What are people actually even looking for? Beats me. Every single time. Makes me wonder, which ones are better. The ones who screw you without actually saying I Love You or the ones who make you believe that they mean it, only to say that whilst they do love you, you still are not the one they are looking for. Who decides who is better? If it has to leave me with a broken heart irrespective.  Why does love feel so forced when we are in our 30s? Why doesn't it come to us naturally? Like it did when we were teena...

Today morning, I woke up to a lovely message from a dear friend. It was a forward but simply reading it inspired me so much that I needed to just start typing straight away. The hopeful romantic that I am, I always tried to live by the Bible verse of - "Love is patient. Love is kind...". But who am I lying to. That's not what I feel. Not at all. So I came up with my own definition today. It's the most honest explanation of love that I could have ever come up for myself with. See if it resonates with you too.  Maybe love is impatient. Maybe love is not kind on the days they are hurting. Maybe love does envy with every cell of their being when they see someone more attractive and appealing to their partner. Maybe love does boast about them to their parents just to see if they agree with her that he is nice for her (highly improbable though). Maybe love is proud on the days when she sees them achieve their dreams and she jumps with joy for them in their happiness.  Maybe...

There comes a point in every woman's life, when she stops looking for love. When she finally accepts defeat. When she becomes a bit too comfortable in the blanket of past memories that she sew for herself over the course of time. When she stops pining and whining. When she just accepts her fate for what it is.  So what if every leading character in my story was resorted to a full stop and not an ellipsis. All my full stops did make me happy at one point of time. Actually, scratch that, they made me insanely happy. They gave me something to think about in my 30s. As I sat in my favourite corner of the house and sipped my tea, reminiscing about all the good, the bad and the ugly, I realised that at least I had something to cry about. Which goes to imply that I at least had something going well for me at one point, else why even bother remembering the unimportant stuff. That said, I felt that it's okay to be alone and lonely. I hate it when people say I'm alone but not lonely...

 I came across a quote from the movie Stuck in Love. I actually read it on Instagram today. Got intrigued and so I decided to watch the movie. The quote went like this -  "There are two kinds of people in this world. Hopeless romantics and realists. A realist just sees that face and packs it in every other pretty girl they've ever seen before. The hopeless romantic becomes convinced that God put them on Earth to be with that one person."  I gravitated towards watching this movie today out of all days. Nescafe texted me today. He got married in December last year. I don't know why he texted me, but I guess some invisible force made him do it. His text to me was - " I'm sorry. I don't know how, why, what, but I am. I know it for a fact that I will always wish the best in the world for you. After all, the best deserve the best. I unknowingly did a lot of things wrong, which probably I shouldn't have. I'll always be grateful to fate that I got a chanc...

 My New Year Resolution for 2021 is -  Learn to mind your own business! That's it. Stop checking up on people! Stop worrying about the ones who probably don't even have your number saved in their phones, stop following people on the gram who make your life seem like shit. In short, be okay with not reaching out! Really!  I have always been the kind of person who worries about the people close to me. I am also blessed with a few people who care about me just the same. But not everybody deserves the same kind of love and attention. Especially the ones who never know how to reciprocate it. Imagine, genuinely caring about someone's wellbeing and them not even having the courtesy to reply. Yes, that happens. That happened a couple of times with me in 2020. I won't allow it to happen in 2021.  This year, hopefully, I will become a more hard-hearted version of myself. They say I am much too sensitive. I get affected a bit too easy. Need to be more thick-skinned. While all t...