What do I really want?

 I have been avoiding this question for such a long time now, in hopes that I don't end up disappointing myself. Our hopes and dreams also have the power to crush us. Unfortunately, I am the kind who gets lazy after her dream gets crushed. I don't think I am as resilient as the others who keep striving to achieve excellence. My PhD was my dream. I wanted to study so much more. I wanted to spend days in the library, actually picking up a book and learning. I don't care if it took 5 years. I needed it for myself. And now, I am complacent with this 9-5. It's like I had to suffocate my dreams to survive. I wish I had the funds. I wish I had a little bit more support from my supervisor. I just wish! Sigh! 

I know what I want. I don't want to stay here. Who am I kidding. I don't belong here. I belong there where even when I am alone, I am not lonely. I am not meant to be here. I have to start my life there. I don't have a husband. I have just me! That's all I have. So I have to come up with a new plan. 

New Plan: Yes, let's create it here, so that when I revisit this blog, I know what to do. 

Am I still as passionate about viruses as I was back when I got Hepatitis? No. 

Do I need a new research proposal? Yes. 

Do I need a new supervisor? Yes. 

Do I need a new University? Yes. 

Do I need an already funded project? Yes. 

So let's just agree on one thing, we are giving up on this current offer of PhD. We have to look for a new one. At a new University in England. But one thing is certain, I want to prepare an independent proposal. I don't want to get involved in a pre-existing project. 

I have been crying over my failed plan for over a year now. Nothing good has come out of it. And nothing good will come out of it. I need one good Supervisor now. In a good UK university. I think I should look at London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. But I don't like living in London. It is a concrete jungle. I need some small town on the outskirts, with a beautiful countryside and a small pub and a great bookstore and a lovely library. Something like Notting Hill. Why am I so obsessed with the English! I just cannot imagine studying anywhere else. 

By December 2021, I need to come up with a new Research Proposal and apply to UK universities. I wish I had a permanent home. I have so much of stuff, I don't even know where to leave it all before I leave. Why is my life so fucked up! I tried my level best to make a good life for me, here in India. What did I get in return - 

i) Lost my best friend to a stupid fucking fight

ii) The guy I love is now a fuck buddy 

iii) Sexual harassment at the work place (Of course!) 

iv) Mental trauma at an MNC (that's a given) 

v) Pay cut!!!!

vi) 0 family support (goes without saying)

vii) Friends getting married, having kids, going on lavish holidays 

I liked the good old days in Bristol when my biggest worry was finding a job! Imagine! I never thought that I'd make a good hire. Turns out, I am an excellent hire, I just have strong morals. Strong morals don't work in this world full of creeps.

Meanwhile, all I want to do is to run away to UK. There is something in the air there. The cold air doesn't sting me. It embraces me. It warms me up somehow. 

They say that don't compare your journey to others. I swear to you, if any one of my friend would have faced half the trauma that I faced as a kid, as a teenager, as an adult, they would not have made it this far. I try not to think about it, but I don't even have a permanent place under the sun to keep my stuff! My stepdad won't keep it and my mom's house is too small. I am done complaining about not having a husband. Have made my peace with a few things (over this weekend, hope this lasts). I am being tested. My faith is being tested, every now and then. I am this close to giving up. This close. Because life has stopped making sense to me. I am not supposed to be here. I can't believe that I am crying as I am typing all this. My make up has gone for a toss. No cute guy in office to impress, so that's a good thing. 

Doesn't it scare you too? Having a new life plan at 29. With 0 support from anyone. 0 savings. When DD (my ex) offers even a little bit of help, I melt. Cause I am so used to fighting my battles alone. Anyone who offers me even a tissue, I see them as an angel. 

Things that scare me right now - 

1. Shifting into a new place - AGAIN! Why god! I have moved 2 times already in the last one year! Where is my home? E.T. go home 😢 I am soooo fucking tired of it all!

2. Filing my ITR still gives me the creeps

Okay, enough of venting, let's try to see the good things in life right now: 

1. My office boy just made me an excellent cup of tea (with extra sugar, just the way I like it) and I enjoyed it thoroughly. This was unlike my previous office wherein I'd have to walk to the cafeteria, pour myself a cup and get back to my desk. My small cubicle here means more to me than the lavish 5 star office I used to work in. This simple desk resonates with me much more. 

2. Yes, there is a pay cut, agreed. But at least I have a stable income. It might not be as much as my friends make. But I chose the social sector. And maybe, I am still learning the tricks of the trade. And when I do, I'll make more than this. Always remember that while your friends were still studying, you got a stipend of 1100 pounds a month just to splurge! You've already lived the life they are living now. That, plus you're learning new skills at your job. Maybe, I am supposed to be here right now, so that I can be there then. 

3. Mom's healthy, I am healthy. We survived the pandemic. The fact that I am cribbing about my problems is because I can breathe peacefully and so can mom. Funny how nothing else seems to exist when you have a health issue. 

4. You did the shifting twice, you can do it again. Keep doing it till you find a happy place! With a lift! No compromise on the lift this time! At all. 

5. I know you want to take a holiday with DD. It's okay. DD makes my heart happy. But DD is not mine. He belongs to someone else ( he's still looking). But meanwhile, I don't want to force myself to fall for someone. I am still hopelessly in love with DD. This will take time! Bugger! But at least I have him as a friend. He didn't leave. 

Anyway, more later. Silly meeting time! I should go pee before it and check myself out in the mirror to fix my make up so as not to scare people inside the room. Masks should cover the entire face and not just the mouth!

Love,

Aaliyah