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I am not so scared anymore!

 Today as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, I came across a post from a friend of mine from 2020. We were colleagues first, working in a Big 4. We would confide in each other about the various challenges we faced at work, especially due to the pandemic. We had the same reporting manager. Somehow, I always felt that this job meant so much more to her than it did to me. I came from a different school of thought. I wanted to make a difference in the field by actually visiting the places of our study area and working with people on the ground unlike most corporate slaves who are hooked on to their excel sheets and their powerpoints. Back in 2020 September, I mustered the courage to quit the job since it did not align with my skills and aspirations. When I had left, my then reporting manager had a nasty exchange of words with me. He called me an NGO type person who needs to change the way she thinks to become a Corporate Consultant, all because I kept suggesting community based aff
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Let it snow!

Today was the first day I went to work after the holidays. No matter how strenuous, I always love the walk from my home to office. There are so many spots which remind me of when I was a young girl, all of 22, walking with my friends to the class. And now at 32, I am working here. That feeling in the morning is the most wholesome feeling ever. I quietly whisper to myself, "We made it Aaliyah, we did good!".  Today was probably one of the best days I've had in ages and I will state the reasons for the same.  1. For the past two months, the waste disposal for our entire apartment was being overlooked by the sanitary workers for some reason. I would wake up in the middle of the night the second I would hear someone drag the wheelie bin. I would rush to my window to pray that they collect all the bins today please. I know it sounds so silly, but this is a part of growing up. Making complaints, writing mails, holding the call at customer care. Come to think of it, almost all o
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Who am I?

I recently noticed that my blog is getting popular. I had the biggest smile on my face when I saw the stats. I never thought that these pages would ever reach anyone. In my heart I felt that they were always meant for me. A digital copy of my diary. I have so many diaries that over the years, it has become really difficult to carry them around. Hence, the blog! I've been writing here for 10 years now. It captures most major milestones of my life. All my heartbreaks, setbacks, and professional troubles can be found in these pages. It feels like I have grown up between these posts.  If you're reading my blog for the first time - Hello there! I am Aaliyah. I am a social scientist who is doing her PhD from a really amazing UK university. I am working on environmental infectious viruses and how to prevent them from spreading in rural areas of the developing countries. My work is inspired by my own disease and I want to be able to bring about a change in this world. My job involves a
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If you're good, he will make sure you succeed!

 My husband is fast asleep. I am wide awake. Lying on the couch, scrolling through the reels. I was just watching a Steve Harvey video wherein they show him a clip of a couple that had really helped him in his starting days. He remembered everything and was so grateful to them for all their help. And just like that, I had an epiphany. If you're a good soul, god will make sure that you succeed. Your life goals are his goals. He will make sure that he never lets you down. He will make sure that he gives you way more than you could ever imagine.  I still remember the day in 2013 when Oxford had rejected me for a Masters. I felt worthless. But then I got into the next best university which gave me my lifelong friends. One of the friends from my Masters introduced me to my husband. I remember back in 2020 when despite a great interview, I was rejected for a very prestigious scholarship. In 2022, a week before my wedding, I got the best scholarship I could ever dream of for my PhD. God p
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What would you do?

For the past two days, at least 3 people have reached out to me to join my school's alumni Whatsapp group. Just the thought of saying hi to those people again is so terrifying. Most of them were bullies, and I have mentioned this in one of my previous blogs. Why would I ever want to talk to them and give them another chance to mock me?  Trust me, if you think that people change, they don't! Some traits continue to remain the same. There is one more thing. I don't feel accomplished enough to join the group. I am just a PhD research scholar in a UK university. I am nothing fancy. I am the opposite of fancy.  I maintain a low profile. Most days I want to be invisible. Scratch that. I always want to be invisible. I am glad my husband is more confident than I am. We are a good balance of energies.  My husband had it easier in life. He was always good looking. But I am glad he was a good guy (at least according to his version) and did not bully others. So maybe for him, joining t
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For anyone who missed my birthday!

I wanted to pen this down cause this is all a part of my growing up process. I turned 32 last week and only a handful of people remembered to wish me. The earlier version of me would have been super upset at this. The new me is nothing but all smiles.  I learnt something very important this birthday. Your birthday is special only for a very few people. Especially when you decide not to put it up on Facebook or Instagram. I thought about it in detail and reached the conclusion that what good is a "Happy Birthday" from a person I barely spoke to throughout the year going to do for me? My husband and I spent the entire day in a peaceful (and rather large) cottage in Lake District. All I wanted to do the entire day was sit on a bench facing the water. I managed to do a lot of thinking. We saw the sunrise, the sunset and a full moon rise and also managed to spot a quarter of a rainbow in a clear sky, what more could I have asked for. I now feel that I am also not obligated to wish
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My Insta Moment of Clarity!

Instagram can make things really awkward without even realising. I am on my Birthday Trip and we are in Lake District. We will begin exploring the lakes and the towns tomorrow. I have a habit of staying up till at least 1 am. My husband is fast asleep though. Got bored, so I began scrolling on Insta. Lo and behold, it decided to show me a reel of my first boyfriend's now ex-girlfriend. She is a travel blogger and is excellent at her job. I remember back in 2015, all I could do was be so jealous of her. When he told me that he had met someone and was dumping me, all I could do was compare, compare and compare. The comparison had become so toxic at a point that I felt that I had started losing myself.  And today, as I am on my way to turn 32, I checked her profile and I was indifferent. Her followers rose from 5k to 83k in the last few years and I like her content. I never thought I'd ever be mature enough to say this but I really don't care anymore.  I have a gorgeous man, s
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The good ones always come back!

 And no, I am not talking about men. I am talking about female friendships. Most of my 20s went in trying to find myself a good man. When we are born I feel, that we are assigned a number of tasks like - be good at studies, clear your board exams with flying colours (whatever that is supposed to mean), make your parents proud, do something good for the community, get a good job and try to do what you love, make meaningful friendships and be there for your friends when they need you and last but in no way the least - find yourself a good partner.  I will be turning 32 this month and I can proudly say that I have accomplished most of what was assigned to me except for one - the meaningful friendships part. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends, but I have also lost a few really close friends. Even if people decide to come back to you or you decide to extend an olive branch, are things ever the same? In my experience, I feel that some friendships once broken, convert i
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And then this happened!

 Remember how I had recently written about the damage done to little hearts. I was upset about the way I was made to feel less by my classmates as a kid. Just today, as I opened my Instagram, I read a message from the same girl, well a woman now, who made me feel that I was really dark-skinned and kids should not play with me. Imagine my surprise. She saw an Insta post I had recently shared of my husband returning to the UK and so she decided to contact me about it. She asked me to visit her in London, I too politely said that she should visit us here. What I actually wanted to write was - some guts! Making me feel horrible all throughout my childhood only to act all fake and nice once we have grown up.  I won't lie, a part of me started feeling, for lack of a better word, worthy of all the attention. All because my husband is good-looking, people now want to be friends with me. I know, a really stupid thought, but this is the first thing that came into my head. Remember how when a
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Love where you live?!

 On my way to work, I came across a tent on the University Campus. It had "Love where you live" written in caps. Which got me to think, do I really love where I live?  The story goes back to 2014. When I had come here as a Master's student. A part me of remembers that version of me as the effortlessly sexiest version of myself. I had great hair back then, a body to absolutely kill for, a sky-rocketing confidence, friends who adored me for simply being me. It was much easier to fall in love with this place back then than it is now.  In 2023, I spend each month, struggling with my inch tape, hiding away my weighing machine by kicking it further inside the bed, avoiding mirrors, and switching off the video button in video calls. The place is the same, the me - isn't. What happened in these 9 years! Well, life happened in these 9 years, love happened in these 9 years, bad bosses happened in these 9 years, heartbreaks, eating disorders, a miscarriage, and the list goes on.
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