What would you do?

For the past two days, at least 3 people have reached out to me to join my school's alumni Whatsapp group. Just the thought of saying hi to those people again is so terrifying. Most of them were bullies, and I have mentioned this in one of my previous blogs. Why would I ever want to talk to them and give them another chance to mock me? 

Trust me, if you think that people change, they don't! Some traits continue to remain the same. There is one more thing. I don't feel accomplished enough to join the group. I am just a PhD research scholar in a UK university. I am nothing fancy. I am the opposite of fancy. 

I maintain a low profile. Most days I want to be invisible. Scratch that. I always want to be invisible. I am glad my husband is more confident than I am. We are a good balance of energies. 

My husband had it easier in life. He was always good looking. But I am glad he was a good guy (at least according to his version) and did not bully others. So maybe for him, joining the school Whatsapp group is not a big deal. Whereas for me, it feels like a dam of bad memories waiting to be released. 

Did I ever have a good day in school? It is so hard to remember. When I was a teenager, I always thought that growing up, I will become this super cool, super confident version of myself. I feel so bad disappointing that little girl. 

The truth is that I lost a lot of my confidence after my miscarriage and the huge toll it took on my body. I am cocooned inside this small little world that my husband and I have created. I am so comfortable here. There is no judgement, just love. There are days when I get mad at him for loving me cause I cannot find a single reason to love myself. Maybe if he could share the reason, I too could try to love myself. 

Coming back to my reasons of not wanting to join the group -there is the shame. Shame of being in the same group with my ex-crush and a horrible person. Let us call the horrible person M. M proposed to me in the 8th grade. He was the first guy to ever even think of me in that way. I was way too studious so I said no. Years later, our worlds collided again. I nursed his broken heart and he ended up breaking mine cause he found someone way younger and prettier. So yes, there is that baggage. 

The ex-crush, I'd rather not talk about him. 

I am not nervous about talking about my PhD topic in a room full of strangers. But I am absolutely terrified at the idea of facing all these bullies again. I really don't know how is it so easy for some people to move on. I am still stuck there. It has been 14 years since I left school and I still can't face them. 

I should have wished for courage, the ability to love myself, the ability to feel enough, feel pretty, feel confident. But sadly, when I blew out the candles this year, I forgot to make a wish. 

Anyway, hope everyone forgets about me again and does not pester me to join the group. I am pretty happy being a nobody. 

Love,

Aaliyah