We outgrow people

 It is a Saturday night and I have used this entire week for recovering from a bad reaction to inhaling bleach fumes while I was cleaning black mould away from my bathroom. I am still not a hundred percent okay but I am hoping that I will be soon. I am chilling, listening to Punjabi folk music on TV and occasionally just dancing a little bit.

I decided to see what's up on Instagram. Everyone is obsessed with Ghibli. I am not. I like my face just as it is. But I saw a story of a batchmate from my college days. She is now a lecturer in a University. She looked so gorgeous in a saree while she was honouring the next batch of graduates with a degree. I paused for a second. A part of me wanted to tell her that she looked nice, but then I stopped myself. I could not relate to her. We hadn't spoken to each other in 10 years and I didn't want to do any small talk. So I held back and decided to write this blog instead. 

I am still doing my PhD and I don't want to be a lecturer. I still don't know what I will do after this. But I want to be happy. I am happy right now. Despite a coarse voice, lots of phlegm, constant coughing, a slight temperature, I am still happy. Cause I get to type. When I write these blogs, I write them for the future me to come back to them when she needs them. I realise that so many people visit my blogs but barely anyone takes a second to comment. And I am not complaining. It is just an excerpt from my book of life. But when I look at the views, I do get happy knowing that someone somewhere took the time out to read something about my life. Like  Susan Sarandon said in "Shall We Dance?" - "We need a witness to our lives." 

Which brings me to my next question - How many witnesses do we need to our lives? I have my Mom and my husband, the only two constants in my life. But other than that, I may have around 300 followers on social media but I barely make an effort to compliment someone when I see their story. I can't really complain, most of them put stories with their kids ALL THE TIME! and I think I am out of hearts to give on similar photos every now and then. But even when I do, they barely respond to a DM. I feel that Instagram has become more of a one-way street. People want to show off their fancy vacations, their new house, their new car and they don't bother how many people genuinely feel happy for them in their achievements. I am a 33-year-old grown woman and I can still be made to feel so small in a millisecond by someone's success. It is not like I am jealous, it is just that I want to achieve all that I can achieve sooner than other people. Does that make sense? It is such a stupid thought. On one hand I just want to enjoy life, be present in the moment, and explicitly feel all that there is to feel and on the other hand I get caught up with people's pictures of their best selves. 

This year, I am trying to identify whom do I genuinely miss. And I am trying to work on rebuilding a lost connection. Not everyone I know is a friend. What I find funny is that I happen to be a close friend (that green star on people's story on Instagram) to many people whom I haven't spoken to in years. I sometimes think that they must have made a mistake, but I still smile at it from time to time. Maybe people are just too lazy to change their list of close friends - both in reel and real life. This needs to stop though. I really need to identify the best few people I have lost touch with and reach out to them. Irrespective of how much time has passed. There are so few people with whom we connect. I think I'd like to maintain that bond and accept that I have outgrown so many people. And they have outgrown me. And it is okay. I am a part of a fake reality but I still have some lovely people in my real world whom I genuinely love and would like to hold on to forever. 

Here's to old friends and new (if only I have the patience to make new friends, else I am sticking to the old ones)! 

Love (is high on bleach fumes),

Aaliyah

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