Who am I?

I recently noticed that my blog is getting popular. I had the biggest smile on my face when I saw the stats. I never thought that these pages would ever reach anyone. In my heart I felt that they were always meant for me. A digital copy of my diary. I have so many diaries that over the years, it has become really difficult to carry them around. Hence, the blog!

I've been writing here for 10 years now. It captures most major milestones of my life. All my heartbreaks, setbacks, and professional troubles can be found in these pages. It feels like I have grown up between these posts. 

If you're reading my blog for the first time - Hello there! I am Aaliyah. I am a social scientist who is doing her PhD from a really amazing UK university. I am working on environmental infectious viruses and how to prevent them from spreading in rural areas of the developing countries. My work is inspired by my own disease and I want to be able to bring about a change in this world. My job involves a lot of fieldwork and I absolutely love it. I feel that my learning from the field are my true learnings. I remember each encounter that I've had with different people in the past, them sharing their troubles with me and also suggesting solutions. I am a field and desk researcher who loves listening to stories and then writing about them. In short, career wise, I am so glad that I can do what I genuinely love (on most days). Grateful. 

Now coming to my personal life. I've had a string of failed relationships in the past. So many, that even I can't keep track of it. I sometimes feel that even God got sick and tired of seeing me cry and he finally gave me my wonderful husband. I still can't believe that it's been almost a year and a half of being married to this amazing human being. Some days I feel that he was so carefully crafted by god, just for me. There are so many posts in my blogs with so many people who I thought at one time were the "love of my life". I am so glad they proved me wrong. Cause the love of my life is sound asleep beside me as I write this. This right now is my peaceful zone. It helps me write better. 

I have a troubled relationship with almost all of my family members. I have always been very gullible, something that I hate about myself. I forgive really easy. Another thing that I hate about myself. I question God every night about these relationships and why was I chosen to be born to them. The only answer I get is that the goal I chose for myself, needed this family, to help me achieve it. Doesn't make sense to me. But whatever, I'll ask him face to face when I reach heaven (an assumption I am making on the basis of a few good deeds I did in this life). 

I have a love-hate relationship with  myself on most days. I love the people around me but I don't love myself. I have tried multiple times to understand self-love but I don't get it. At all. All I know is that I am patient with myself on most days when I am unable to achieve all the things I wanted to. I eat when I am hungry. I try to eat multivitamins and yogurt (sometimes and only if it is flavoured). I buy myself everything that my heart desires (not to sound boastful but even at 32 my heart desires snowglobes, diaries, coloured pens, home decor items, postcards, fridge magnets, H&M and Zara sale clothes, Mrs Potts hot chocolate - which are all easy to buy). I don't know if this counts as self-love. I love to look out of a train window. To see as far as my eyes can see. To wonder what is beyond the end. To smile at the thought that only god knows the answer and he is sitting right beside me. I love hugging the people close to me. I just can't stop myself from hugging them. I love having tea that my husband makes. I love to just sit with him and have tea and talk. I love to talk my heart out with him. I love to yell that I miss him even when we are in the same house but in different rooms. I love the feeling you get after vacuuming your house. It feels so good. Feels like the world is new. I love when it is windy but I am warm and the wind in my face feels tingly. I love that at every 11:11 my husband and I rush towards each other to hug each other tightly and just pray to god. I love that my big window overlooks the church and I can see people outside, walking in the rain. I love that god has been beyond kind and generous to us and that just saying his name brings a smile to my face. I love it when I see my best friend's name flash on my phone. I love it when I have a good supervision meeting. I love it when the lyrics of a song resonate with me and I like to listen to it over and over again.  I think I love life more than I love myself and it is okay. And lastly, I love to write. 

So hello there stranger :) Hope you had a nice read. 

Love (with life and maybe one day with myself),

Aaliyah





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