Allow me to run away from here...

I think that with 0 attachments left in my heart for anybody, I am finally ready to leave this city and move to a place where no one knows me. Where the shadow of a manipulative Reporting Manager from an MNC does not lurk around me, nor that of a sexual predator. A place where there are no exes, no friends, no family. In short, Mars! Kidding. I am so done with this city. I went for house hunting again yesterday. It was a rude shock. Where is home? I am not even going to begin to describe the dingy locations where these houses were located (my budget fits dingy for now). 

Today happens to be Janmashtami. All my friends are busy posting their kids pictures as Kanha. Krishna, does that make you smile? I tried so hard to find them cute, but I could not. Maybe cause I am sulking due to the absence of my own kids or maybe it is because I just don't like people now. At all!

10 good things I did for myself over the weekend: 

1. Cleaned my desk, my almirah, my showpiece stand

2. Cleaned the clutter out of my life in terms of people who add 0 value to my life, just removed most of them 

3. Went house-hunting. At least made an effort. 

4. Started watching the Good Doctor on Netflix and am loving it! 

5.  Made myself the best cup of hot chocolate

6. Did some journaling, some reading

7. Listened to some nice music on my terrace and just sang along

8. Didn't go to meet random people

9. Minded my own business

10. Decided to cut ties with DD and AF 

People want all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. Where does that leave me? 

I've come to realise that the biggest problem in my life is my expectation from people. The fact that I expected my best friend to be there for me when I had COVID was wrong, the fact that I expect the Pilot to marry me when he promised to do so was wrong, the fact that I wanted DD to love me for eternity was wrong, the fact that I expected Human to bring a packet of tea upstairs on his way to my place was wrong. When people show you who they truly are, believe them! 

People won't go to the lengths that you go for them. The sooner you accept this, the better. I still have my days when I wonder, given a choice between my daughter and my second husband (if I am that lucky, ha ha!) whom would I choose. I'd choose her. Every single time. I think my abandonment issues begin from home. I wonder if other people have it as well. 

Let suppose I had a loving family, would I still turn out to be this wounded and crazy? Or maybe knowing that I have people to fall back on would have made me a different person altogether. Today, I can only fall back on DD. Even though we don't talk anymore, but he is still the person I can blindly rely on. In all of my 29 years, the same kind of confidence I had just once before - with Aadi. Nobody else. And now, him. Which brings me to the bigger question - Why do we need to fall back on people? 

In the words of Adam Levine : "Everyone wants someone, that's one cliche that's true. Sad truth's I want no one, unless that someone's you!".

I've literally tried everything to get over DD. Bumbling, forcing myself to talk to dimwits, spending time with friends, watching series on Netflix, reading, writing. And I am back to square one. At my desk, at work, using this time to write about it all. 

I wish there was a button, I could just press that and then he would have never happened to me. But the truth is that I don't really want that. And neither do I want to be his go to person for his issues. I want to be the main one in his life. The only one. And I know that that's not possible. So I make my peace with this every day. Like Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates made her peace with the accident memories every day. I am living the same life in loop. I come ahead, I fall back again. I still don't know how long will this go on for! 

I need a therapist. I can feel how mentally drained I am. And the day has just begun. 

God help me! It's going to be a long week! 

Love (too tired to fight),

Aaliyah

 

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