About Last Night....

 How did this happen? It was totally unplanned! I went to see him as a friend. Let's name him AF. Nothing else. Just as a friend. He is a good distraction from DD. While I share this amazing comfort level with DD, but all my calls with him end with a sigh! Wishing that he would have chosen me. If someone could keep a track of the number of times I have seen Meredith's "Pick me, choose me, love me" video on YouTube, they would get a hint of what I am going through! 

Nescafe left me for his ex, DD is leaving me in the hopes of finding an ever lasting love. Don't know which is worse. To be left for someone or to be left for no one. But that's not the point.  

AF is a guy I met on Bumble. We have been texting for a week. We met once last week. It was a good date but I realised that we are very different so we should stick to a platonic friendship.What an oxymoron! Weren't friendships always meant to be platonic! Anyway, we decided to go for a drive last night. Nothing romantic. Just a drive around my locality. We had a beer and chicken tikka (thank god this guy is a non-vegetarian). I was discussing about the void in my life cause of DD. In no way did I invite him to kiss me. No way at all. I was fixated on DD. AF, as the name suggests, suggested that DD is just looking for AF. I was defending him still. Cause I know DD is more than just af  for me and vice versa.

Anyway, moving on, AF kissed me all of a sudden. Out of the blue. I don't like being kissed. I really don't. With DD, he gave me the space to come to him. To reach out to him. No, I don't feel violated or something. I just didn't feel anything. I mean the kiss was good, but my mind was elsewhere. I was questioning the how and why rather than being in the moment. And then I stopped the second I came out of the initial shock. 

I didn't want this. I didn't. But it was needed to break the spell I have been under since the day I met DD. When I met DD, I thought I had found "the one". He is exactly what I wanted in a husband. And now I am in the stupid dating pool back again. Why do guys think that they can kiss someone without committing to them? You just don't go randomly kissing people. And guess what, right after the kiss he looked at me and said, I'm not sorry. What is this, a Shahrukh Khan movie? Jab Tak Hai Jaan, when he kisses Katrina and says "tumne mujhe thappad nahi maara Meera". But why didn't I? I pulled myself away. That's what I did. 

Fuck! Screwed again. I have no feelings for this one though. Good friends. So now what? We are good friends who kiss? I need a cup of tea first to wake up. My mind is still processing the kiss. With the kiss, my umbilical cord with DD has been cut majestically by AF. And I am now a whining crying baby.

What now? I am never going back to DD again. I don't want to be with AF. Cause people don't understand platonic friendships. It's over for the both of us now. I am going to focus on the things that scare me. Like finding and moving to a new safe better house. Like filing my ITR. Like not making out with random strangers. 

But there is one good thing that came out of all of this. The old me would have thrown herself at her date, just to get over her love. This time, I did nothing. I just sat in silence. Didn't even give him the look that I wanted to be kissed or something. So, I have graduated to the next level. I now can compartmentalize my feelings and I don't act out. Proud of myself!

Love (is fucked up to the core),

Aaliyah

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have a BLOG!!!!!! Finally ;)

Well for those of you who don't know what is Meena Kumari complex,let me shed a little light on it.   Meena Kumari   was an Indian movie actress and a poetess. She is regarded as one of the most prominent actresses to have appeared on the screens of Hindi Cinema.She did many grief stricken and tragic roles. Media referred to her as "The Tragedy Queen".My mom knows so much about her,even Wikipedia would fail in front of her ;) (But she doesn't know for a fact that her daughter is suffering from a complex so complicated ;) )  Meena Kumari Complex is a case where a person loves to obsess about their problems.Where each problem seems so big that the fact that a solution might even exist seems unbelievable.So much so that these problems become our friends.The problems which might seem to be non existent for others seem as important as the Board Examinations.This is followed by a series of long chats with the people we confide in,lots and lots of guilt free indulge...
Read more

My Insta Moment of Clarity!

Instagram can make things really awkward without even realising. I am on my Birthday Trip and we are in Lake District. We will begin exploring the lakes and the towns tomorrow. I have a habit of staying up till at least 1 am. My husband is fast asleep though. Got bored, so I began scrolling on Insta. Lo and behold, it decided to show me a reel of my first boyfriend's now ex-girlfriend. She is a travel blogger and is excellent at her job. I remember back in 2015, all I could do was be so jealous of her. When he told me that he had met someone and was dumping me, all I could do was compare, compare and compare. The comparison had become so toxic at a point that I felt that I had started losing myself.  And today, as I am on my way to turn 32, I checked her profile and I was indifferent. Her followers rose from 5k to 83k in the last few years and I like her content. I never thought I'd ever be mature enough to say this but I really don't care anymore.  I have a gorgeous man, s...
Read more

For anyone who missed my birthday!

I wanted to pen this down cause this is all a part of my growing up process. I turned 32 last week and only a handful of people remembered to wish me. The earlier version of me would have been super upset at this. The new me is nothing but all smiles.  I learnt something very important this birthday. Your birthday is special only for a very few people. Especially when you decide not to put it up on Facebook or Instagram. I thought about it in detail and reached the conclusion that what good is a "Happy Birthday" from a person I barely spoke to throughout the year going to do for me? My husband and I spent the entire day in a peaceful (and rather large) cottage in Lake District. All I wanted to do the entire day was sit on a bench facing the water. I managed to do a lot of thinking. We saw the sunrise, the sunset and a full moon rise and also managed to spot a quarter of a rainbow in a clear sky, what more could I have asked for. I now feel that I am also not obligated to wish...
Read more