Oh Boy! Am I messed up?!

 DD called in the morning, and just like that I forgot about everything. I'll give it all up for him in a heartbeat, he won't do the same for me. I have 10 people who are into me right now. Not even kidding. 10.

2 people at work 

1 Nawaab (not in real, but he is from Lucknow so we can name him that)

1 Lawyer*

1 Pilot*

AF 

Vitamin D 

1 Sailor 

2 School friends 

But the second it comes to DD, I forget about them all. 

DD > ∑ (all the men stated above) 

DD is home. No matter how much of a mess he makes, I still want to see myself with him. Just him. I feel like the spider who takes two steps forward, only to fall 10 steps back. I am so done talking about him to anybody. I hate him, I love him, I hate that I love him. I wish DD could put an end to my misery. I keep pushing myself to meet people, in that moment everything feels fine, but when I am back in an empty house, it is torturous. 

DD has been insensitive at times. I know he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. But can the men stated above give me what DD can't. They don't even come close.

The love DD gave me is still >> the uncertain "certainties" that these people offer! 

I just want to run away with DD. I wish DD and I were on the same page. DD can save me from the entangled web that all these men are making for me. I now know what being vulnerable feels like. I just don't want to come so far ahead that I can't go back. I wish DD could decide once and for all - All or nothing? 

My friends say that he would have literally jumped at the opportunity if he had met a nice girl. Would he? If the tables had turned, how soon would he have moved on? 

And have I moved on from him! Nah! But yes, kissing AF has messed up with my head all the more. I don't see a future with AF or any of the men stated above. Or maybe just the ones I marked a star next to. 

AF is nice, I like hanging out with him, but he can't be my anchor. He can't be my rock. I need something more than an ice-cream/momo buddy. 

All the words I wanted to say to DD but didn't

Marry me and put an end to my misery,

Marry me and watch all the shooting stars with me, 

Marry me and you get a travel buddy for life, 

Marry me and allow me to be a great wife.

Marry me cause I'll love you irrespective of how successful you are

Marry me cause I'll even pretend to love Nexon, your stupid car.

Marry me cause only you can save me from myself

Marry me cause every day when you don't call, I'm a mess

Marry me cause my days still start and end with your name

Marry me cause after that magical sex, things can never be the same. 

Marry me cause "us" was a once in a lifetime event. 

Marry me cause my love is not pretend. 

Irrespective of these countless reasons to marry me, 

You'll still find one to not. 

The hopeful romantic that I am, 

I'll still hope that the universe gives us a shot...

Love (back to being screwed),

Aaliyah


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