Choosing me is the bare minimum

 Today's date is very special to me. 19th September. Reasons: 

1. I met Aadi, my first real boyfriend on 19.09.2009

2. I went to UK on 19.09.2014

3. I attended my boss's house party last year on this date when I realised I never wanted to become a full-time employee of that organisation. I came back home and my best friend and I called Nescafe to make him realise what a jerk he has been to me over the years. It actually worked cause it felt like the spell broke! I was free from him. The second she told him what all I had gone through cause of his indifference, I felt that my pain was finally validated and it stopped hurting.

4. I was supposed to leave for UK on 19.09.2021 but that never happened

I am writing this from the comfort of my home, sipping amazing Hillcrest tea that I picked up from a fancy hotel I was staying in with DD. So glad it was complimentary. I tried not to look at today's date, but as fate would have it, it's right there, everywhere. On my phone, on my laptop. 

I spoke to a friend the other day. She taught me something beautiful. Being sure about you is the bare minimum you can expect from a person. The absolute bare minimum. So if I were to design a scale, 

0 = Being sure about wanting to be with me 

Infinity = Eternal Love

You wanna know what's sad. I have never even reached 0 yet with someone. Or at least with someone whom I had similar feelings for. I am on the negative of the scale. And I am done sulking. 

You know why, because I need to be sure about myself before I let anyone else be sure about me. Would I want to spend the rest of my life with me. I wish I would not overthink everything, I wish I would not fall in love so easy, I wish I would not react without thinking. But do these qualities make me unlovable? Do they make it so hard for the other person to choose me? I really don't think so. 

I had a beautiful realisation during my trip to Kerala. I realised that most pictures on my social media have been clicked by people who are no longer a part of my life. And that's okay. We'll always have the photos clicked by each other, even if we won't have each other. Somehow, my happiness has been beautifully captured in these images. What is life if not moving on from one happy moment photo to another? 

I also had an epiphany that I hope I always remember: 

Life is about running after making new memories to be able to reduce the pain that comes from remembering the old ones! 

DD replaced Nescafe, someone will replace DD. This is not the end. It is a continuous cycle till I meet someone who is as sure about me as I am about him. Surety is what we all deserve. My friend was right. It is indeed, the bare minimum. 

She also said that " What you seek is also seeking you, but at least allow it to seek you". And she was right. It's like running on a treadmill. I'm going nowhere because I keep running after something that doesn't want me. And it is unproductive.  

On my way back to Delhi, I met a very interesting character that I wish to remember for the rest of my life. He was my cab driver. He made me reach the airport on time else there was no way I would be back in Delhi. Would have totally missed my flight had it not been for his excellent driving skills. 

He was 24, had been married to the love of his life for the past 2 years. He was so happy about it. Young love is so beautiful, that for a moment I forgot all about the adultery that we have all been adding to love. His love was so pure, so pious, that it brought tears into my eyes. His eyes shone every time he spoke about her. Even his mask could not mask his massive smile that made his eyes sparkle.

He was in love with a girl from his college for 4 years and had asked her out so many times, only to get rejected each time. One day, she sent him an I Love You message. He kept saying in his broken English - " 4 years, no luck madam, then straight I Love You". But this is not what makes his story special. He is a Hindu, the girl is a Christian, so he had to convince her family. There was a lot of drama there. The girl wants to study in UK. And he has already spent 2 lakhs on agents to help her achieve her dream of getting a PhD there.

I asked him, how would he manage without her if she left. He said that her dreams are very important to him and he wants her to achieve them, he believes in her. And precisely at that moment, I felt a tear trickle down my eye. I think, I witnessed true love for the first time in my life, sitting in a cab, car sick cause of the high speed on the hills, rushing towards the airport. But the power of true love was unbelievable. And something in my heart whispered to me: " I want that too". 

I have been in constant touch with his wife. I'll try to get her achieve her dream, even if that means that I don't get to live mine. She has all the support she needs :) Even if I don't. 

But all this does make me believe in true love. It is rare. But you can hope to find it in the most unexpected of all places. That said, it needs to begin with surety. And we all deserve someone who is sure of us. 

Love (is working on herself these days and is feeling better),

Aaliyah