Nothing feels right!

 I am on really heavy pain medication. I am drowsy af. But I still want to type this. Just when I thought I was over DD, I clearly wasn't. Came back home yesterday. Was on my knees. Crying. Begging god for some direction. I am having a hard time at work these days. Earlier I used to call DD and discuss it. Now, I don't have that liberty. In the words of Sabaa Khan from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil : "Mohabbat karna humaare bass me nahi, par us mohabbat se dur chale jaana, wo humaare bass me hai". That's what I did. 

He wants someone else. 

Someone else != Me

I wish I can be someone else for someone else. Does it make sense to you? Does it even make sense to me? 

I was constantly trying to say to myself what he would have said to me. His voice is still so fresh in my head. He is a troubleshooter, so he would have calmly heard me out, and given me a step by step solution. I am so drowsy right now, don't even know what I am typing. But I need to get him out of my system. 

He didn't look like the kind of guy I'd date. Too lean for my taste. Not too tall even. But still, he was everything I wanted. I felt that "wo samhaal lega" waali feeling with him. Like he will manage it, somehow. Does he miss me too? Does he ache to call me when the weather is nice? Does he wonder how I am doing? Do I wonder what he is doing? Sometimes. I have this thing, it makes me feel less lonely. I imagine having a conversation with him every night I am in bed. I imagine what he would say to me if I told him about my work issues. I'd ask him how was his Yoga class and he would say - "My whole body feels so flexed out". Then I'd tell him about my day. He was always curious - " Dhaaravi me paani bhar gaya?". I am so hurt that even these pain meds are not numbing my pain. Tears just won't stop flowing as I type this. Yet again, his voice, in my head. In my heart. I can hear him speak so clearly. I think it is cause of the meds. I need help. 

And truth be told, I am okay feeling like this. I want him to find that someone else. I want to find that someone else. I want to come back home to someone's loving arms too. I want someone to want me for me. That's all. Is it too much to ask for god? 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Here's hoping. 

Love (is high and drowsy),

Aaliyah

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