I need a break from myself!

 Why am I not my own biggest cheerleader? Why is it so hard to tell yourself that you are good enough, irrespective of what you look like? Why does my overthinking have to kill each happy vibe that I have?

I'll explain. AG92 is coming to my city in 13 days. I will meet him for the first time on 14th December. I made the mistake of seeing his ex last night. She looks exactly like my ex best friend and I have not been able to get her image out of my head. Why is it so hard to accept that two women can be beautiful at the same time in their own unique way! Why am I so competitive that I need to be better than her? Maybe I am not. Maybe I never will be.

I did the exact same thing to DD. I think it is a venomous pattern and I need to break it in my 30s! This needs to go. Let us simply organize our thoughts first. When I was with DD, I was asked out by people who maybe, were better looking than him. But I chose DD because he is everything that I need in the right quantity and he makes me super happy. He makes me laugh so hard, I almost pee my pants. 

Why would you choose AG92 over DD? 

Because AG92 is honest. He doesn't lie. Life with him will be peaceful and simple. He would not go to meet his ex and make silly excuses on being caught. This much my heart knows about him. I trust him. Then why is it so hard to accept that maybe he truly is over her? 

I got a reality check today when I looked in the mirror. I didn't feel pretty. I felt basic. I felt like the girl next door. But who's to say that only pretty girls with flawless skin deserve love? Can I think of one single reason why I don't deserve to be loved and cherished by AG92? 

Just because I am not as pretty as his ex does not mean that I don't deserve his love. I've had people better looking than DD but the way DD made me feel (before I realised I could not trust him at all) was unparallel.

So clearly good connection trumps good looks always! 

I am enough? Ain't I? I don't know what I bring to the table. Maybe Rahu was never my problem to begin with. Maybe it was me all along. My insecurities caused all my relationships to end. I screwed up things with DD cause of his ex, but I am proud of myself for speaking my mind. I was not okay with knowing that she still had massive feelings for him and they kept meeting secretly. 

Am I going to wreck it with AG92 just because I feel that his ex is way more glamorous than me and because some weird part of me feels that he will rush back to her. Totally! That's what I do! That's what I have been doing for ages. But I have this beautiful trust on him. He is the nicest man I have ever known. And I want to take care of him for the rest of our lives. 

Imagine for a second how he must feel every day! DD sent a cake, DD was at your birthday. DD calls every now and then. Did he say even once that he is insecure? If he is being patient with your heart, you be patient with his. 

My excitement has died down actually. Everything is so temporary, isn't it? It's so transient. I don't wish to be happy or hopeful anymore. My heart feels like a deflated balloon. 

My mom just called. She made me feel better by saying that I am way more graceful and classier than her. She may be larger than life but my goodness shines and as long as AG92 sees it, I am good!

Keeping a low profile today :( Heart is unhappy :( 

Love (is a big question mark),

Aaliyah 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have a BLOG!!!!!! Finally ;)

Well for those of you who don't know what is Meena Kumari complex,let me shed a little light on it.   Meena Kumari   was an Indian movie actress and a poetess. She is regarded as one of the most prominent actresses to have appeared on the screens of Hindi Cinema.She did many grief stricken and tragic roles. Media referred to her as "The Tragedy Queen".My mom knows so much about her,even Wikipedia would fail in front of her ;) (But she doesn't know for a fact that her daughter is suffering from a complex so complicated ;) )  Meena Kumari Complex is a case where a person loves to obsess about their problems.Where each problem seems so big that the fact that a solution might even exist seems unbelievable.So much so that these problems become our friends.The problems which might seem to be non existent for others seem as important as the Board Examinations.This is followed by a series of long chats with the people we confide in,lots and lots of guilt free indulge...
Read more

What would you do?

For the past two days, at least 3 people have reached out to me to join my school's alumni Whatsapp group. Just the thought of saying hi to those people again is so terrifying. Most of them were bullies, and I have mentioned this in one of my previous blogs. Why would I ever want to talk to them and give them another chance to mock me?  Trust me, if you think that people change, they don't! Some traits continue to remain the same. There is one more thing. I don't feel accomplished enough to join the group. I am just a PhD research scholar in a UK university. I am nothing fancy. I am the opposite of fancy.  I maintain a low profile. Most days I want to be invisible. Scratch that. I always want to be invisible. I am glad my husband is more confident than I am. We are a good balance of energies.  My husband had it easier in life. He was always good looking. But I am glad he was a good guy (at least according to his version) and did not bully others. So maybe for him, joining...
Read more

My Insta Moment of Clarity!

Instagram can make things really awkward without even realising. I am on my Birthday Trip and we are in Lake District. We will begin exploring the lakes and the towns tomorrow. I have a habit of staying up till at least 1 am. My husband is fast asleep though. Got bored, so I began scrolling on Insta. Lo and behold, it decided to show me a reel of my first boyfriend's now ex-girlfriend. She is a travel blogger and is excellent at her job. I remember back in 2015, all I could do was be so jealous of her. When he told me that he had met someone and was dumping me, all I could do was compare, compare and compare. The comparison had become so toxic at a point that I felt that I had started losing myself.  And today, as I am on my way to turn 32, I checked her profile and I was indifferent. Her followers rose from 5k to 83k in the last few years and I like her content. I never thought I'd ever be mature enough to say this but I really don't care anymore.  I have a gorgeous man, s...
Read more