Endless Circles

 An oxymoron, isn't it?

That's what I feel like these days. I am so sick and tired of playing this game. This game wherein one holds the power to crush you heart. Truth be told, it has happened to me not once, not twice, but 6 times this year. I have been let down, not so gently, on several occasions. Heartbreaks stop hurting as bad each time my heart breaks a little. People are nothing but new cracks in my heart. The optimist in me continues to cherish the good memories and use it as a tape to hold my heart together. But what happens when the stickiness of the tape begins to fade away. 

Sometimes I feel that I did not process my grief completely. I let it simmer for a while, only for the flames to burn me later on. Did I wish for too much? I saw a shooting star a few months ago with DD. While he wished for his startup, I wished for him. Wasted my wish on a shooting star! Which brings me to the bigger question - are our wishes ever heard or are we forced by fate to follow the path we were destined for. 

Over the course of time I realised that I did not want him and neither did he. Is AG92 right in doubting my intentions? How do I fall in and out of love so quickly? Is it because I actually don't feel anything at all? Or is it like a bell curve, too much, too soon and then, nothing. Nothing at all. Is something wrong with me? 

Yesterday I came across a beautiful article written by my favourite writer - Rania Naim. She wrote about how showing your true feelings towards someone is considered to be a sign of weakness in today's time. When I express what I truly want, it is a recipe for disaster because the other person pulls away. I will be turning 30 this month and try as I might, I am yet to change. I am still all in or all out. There is no in between. Which brings me to an even bigger question - are we so afraid to allow people to love us for who we are that we doubt their intentions of even liking us in the first place? That it seems like an impossible task to be loved for who we are and who we might be in the future. My friend was right to suggest that it is AG92's own insecurity at accepting the love that is making him question my intentions. 

I am letting the universe choose on my behalf. Maybe I was never meant to be domesticated. Maybe, every person who leaves my life is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I am meant to learn to be happy in my own company! 

I will still not change my all or nothing outlook. Because I am a good person. And if people can't see that, then it's on them, not me. 

Love (exhausted, defeated, tired, and has signed a DNR),

Aaliyah

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