Why do we say the things we don't mean?

 I look out of my window and I see the sky, limitless. I wish I could say the same about love. Love always comes with its set of constraints. Doesn't it? 

Caste, religion, race, colour of my skin, height, texture of my hair, my qualifications, my employability, the fact that I talk too much. Everything is always taken into consideration. Always. It might be stated in different words, but the meaning is always the same. "You're not the one I am looking for".

What are people actually even looking for? Beats me. Every single time. Makes me wonder, which ones are better. The ones who screw you without actually saying I Love You or the ones who make you believe that they mean it, only to say that whilst they do love you, you still are not the one they are looking for. Who decides who is better? If it has to leave me with a broken heart irrespective. 

Why does love feel so forced when we are in our 30s? Why doesn't it come to us naturally? Like it did when we were teenagers. It just happened then, right? Now, it is a calculated risk that everyone wants guaranteed returns for. One day, everything seems perfect, the very next day, you are struck by lightening. And you don't know what to do. 

Love to me is a feeling of surety. Don't use the word so casually. Cause when you do so, you shake the very principles of a hopeful romantic. We don't hope for much but this is the foundation of our belief system and when you take that away from us, there is not much left. There's a song that pops up every time I open my Instagram - I want somebody who can love me at my worst. I don't have faith in this concept anymore. Cause people barely stick around to even know what your best and your worst looks like. They assume stuff. The clock's ticking. Move from one to the next to the next. Till they find someone who is barely a reflection of what they wanted, but they settle for it nonetheless, cause so much time has already passed. 

What are we running towards? Why can't we just pause and be grateful for all that we have right now, instead of constantly judging the hell out of the person we are with? We are walking with our invisible checklists instead of even allowing ourselves to fall for what the other person has to offer. It's not fluid. It's fixed. Rigid. Why can't we communicate our needs without expecting the other person to be a mind reader? Why is love never enough? Why does it have to be love ++? 

I was up all night, questioning myself, again and again and again. What could I have done differently this time? The answer is truly nothing. A psychologist friend of mine keeps asking me - How do you move on from people so easily? Well, the answer to this is that - I give it my all. So by the time it ends, I am left with zero regrets. I know that I did all that I could to save what we had. It feels like death of a loved one. I simply accept it and move on. 

In every relationship, there is a fixer and there is a breaker. I am the fixer. I take immense pride in accepting this. I am not saying that I am perfect. But I try. I am sensitive to the needs of my partner. Every time something like this happens, I lose my faith in love. What is god trying to teach me? What am I not able to see? 

I still believe that everything happens for a reason. There's no hatred. A grateful heart does not know how to hate. But yes, the unanswered questions would haunt me for sometime. And I'll be okay with it. 

Love (leaves when you least expect it),

Aaliyah


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