Losing my centre!

This is my most productive time of the day. When I write my blog. When I organize my thoughts. When I listen to my inner voice. Lately, my world has been revolving around someone who has been in all my 11.11 wishes. I don't know why but I see him each time I close my eyes. 13 more days to go and I will see him for the first time. I will hold him for the first time. I will have coffee with him for the first time. 

There is this emptiness in my heart. I know that I was born for this reason- to find and nourish true love. To take care of someone. To be the best version of myself and help them achieve the same!

On the work front, I am highly dissatisfied with my work. It sucks, to say the least. I had a team to support me in the past. I had some support staff always. Here it is a one (wo)man show. My Reporting Manager is already bombarded with a million things so he can't keep track of my project. I have made 20 tools for a single project. My brain is not working. There is a constant zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz in my head. I feel like a bot. AG92 is the only thing that makes me feel alive. Do I want to quit again? Cause my brain is not working. Honestly. I can feel it!

Am I the problem? I left a big4, I left UN, I keep leaving. But I leave when I am unhappy. And I am unhappy. 

Okay so let us try to solve this step by step - What work will make you happy? 

I think getting married will make me happy. Once I know where I will be, I will start applying for jobs there. And also start looking for PhD scholarships. I have always worked for the love of my work. Not for the purpose of making money. If that was the case I would have stuck to an MNC. 

I am losing my mental health for peanuts and I am dying each day bit by bit. Can I take a break from my life? 

This is the most incomplete complete feeling I've ever had. He said something beautiful last night. One should stop digging up a person's past. And he was so right. Why is it so important for me to know each and every thing about his past relationship when we keep evolving each day. We change each day. What I was in my past relationships, I am not like that at all now. I have learnt so much from every mistake I've made. 

We evolve each day. But I feel that things have slowed down for me. I love the fact that he motivates me to look for new opportunities elsewhere. I don't want to be stuck here. I feel like I am vanishing, bit by bit. This is what losing your centre looks like. Maybe my life was never supposed to be extraordinary. Maybe it was always supposed to be mediocre. 

Love (demotivated af),

Aaliyah

 

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