My Petrichor Pages

 While the entire world complains about how horrible this year has been for them, I, for one, can't believe how far I've come! This year started on a rather difficult note for me, with me writing love-sick poems for who I thought was the "Love-of-my-life". In my head, he was a once in a lifetime kind of love. Little did I know that I was smitten by an idea and not so much by the person. It took me almost 12 months of drama to figure out who I truly am and what I truly want. All I was actually looking for was peace and no amount of love from a guy or endless phone calls with friends or researching or stalking my exes or binge watching series on Netflix could bring it to me.  To be honest, I felt peace finally, just a minute ago, when I was making my 11.11 wish. I finally had no long list to wish for anything. I just gave thanks to god and my guardian angels for keeping me and my family alive and safe. We had our moments wherein we all wanted to end ties with each other...

 I always wanted to have a love like... A love wherein we both felt so grateful to have each other. One wherein every morning I'd wake up with a smile cause I'd be so happy to see his face. Where kissing without brushing would not be looked upon as a bad thing cause we could just not stay a second without each other. When one look would explain what I am feeling or what I am stopping myself from saying. Does all this even happen for real? All these ideas of love that movies and romance novels have put in our heads, does this actually work for someone? Anyone?  Social media feeds a different idea of love altogether these days. I see so many posts wherein couples are holidaying at places I could only dream of staying in. Reels with peppy songs and fancy locations floods my Insta feed daily. I don't sigh. Don't get me wrong, I was never a sucker for these things. At 29, I am still waiting for a partner to play the Game of Life with me (it's a board game). That's it...

 I've heard this so many times. In movies, in plays, from my friends and even my mom - "The timing wasn't right, else it all would have worked out". Really? Timing? Time itself would just throw its hands in the air for being blamed so many times for something that it had nothing to do with.  If one person is more in love than the other and they break up because of this, what has time got to do with this. They say, in due course of time he will realise what he is missing and once he does, he will be back. I can feel Time simply smirking at me saying - Do whatever, I have nothing to do with this! And rightly so!  I have 0 control over my past and future. I do, however, have some control over my present. Present is a choice. An ongoing choice. I like to call it - my real time choice. Every second in my present is a conscious call that I make - to read, to watch Netflix, to text, to work, to love. Doesn't it work the same for you? So why blame time for someone's i...

 No really! It is! I feel that I would have been just fine without ever experiencing it in the first place.  Come to think of it, what has love actually ever given me except for heartache. Heartache is a constant symptom that arises once you have been infected by love. And who is to say what is love actually? My definition can always be different than yours and yours can be different than hers and so on and so forth.  I am not an expert on love. Far from it. I have been beaten down to the ground cause of it though. Metaphorically, not literally.  Apparently, the love that I offer is not what they want. I look at this like this - my friend has started her own soap making venture. The soaps she makes are really good for the skin but she has a strong stance on not putting perfume in her soaps to make them smell better. That is the stand that she is taking for her brand. So while what she offers is organic and good for the skin, people would still go for something that s...

 The other day a very close friend of mine came to visit us. She came with her lovely family - aunty and uncle. She got married back in 2018 and her mom was extremely excited to share the wedding photos with us. My mom was happy too, until they left and she shared - when would my daughter dress up like a bride? This was a genuine sigh. Not the kinds you do to manipulate people into doing what you want them to. But this came from the heart and it touched mine. Which brings me to the bigger question - Am I afraid of getting married cause of parents' divorce? I won't lie to you but I've seen the fights, the arguments, the tension, the air of negativity, I've hardly seen love. So my expectations in life are pretty low when it comes to getting settled. But see, I used the word "settled". The word itself does not have a very positive ring to it, does it? Settled to me means saying that - this will do for now. Should something as pious as marriage be based on the log...

 I quit my job on 25th September 2020. One of the boldest decisions I took for myself in the longest time. Just like that, I quit it. Actually no, I was going through some shit for the longest time. You see, I come from the development sector (or the social sector as many people would call it), so when I got a chance to work in the corporate sector, I was not too thrilled, but I still picked it up cause it was right there. Plus, it was better money than I made. Since I was barred from going to the field for a year, a desk job did suit my requirements at that time. Little did I know that this job would give me serious issues of doubting my self-worth. So I joined in December last year. As I was getting accustomed to the larger than life corporate world, I realised that I am not 'it'. You know, 'it'! The girl in the pencil skirt and high heels and red lipstick and perfect eye make up and that lovely hair. I was so nervous on my first day that I accidentally entered the me...

Disappointment! Such a heavy word. It's a big word too. Come to think of it, the one who actually first thought of this word, must actually be down in the dumps to begin with. A quick Google search shows that it clearly means - depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations. I think I chose the right word to describe my feelings. I wanted something so bad and when I did not get it, I felt discouraged because of my unfulfilled desire... At moments like these, there will be no dearth of people reaching out to you to tell you that - " Hey, come on, this is all a part of god's master plan. He knows what he is doing better than anyone else. Just have faith in him." I say bollocks to you! I know you mean well, but who knows if I will even be alive to see the actual plan unfold in time. What's the point if I end up dying before actually seeing the real reason behind the actions. What happens then? Isn't it unfair? Which brings me to...

Who knows, if you'll stay? Who knows, if you'll go? Who knows, if I am again supposed to fly solo. Who knows, if this is love? Or just a jittery feeling till we both decide to give up. Who knows, if it will hurt twice as bad or not at all? Who knows what will happen tomorrow, but today, I am ready to take the fall. And if at all we do make it to the finish line, know that I was secretly praying for us all this while...

... or ! or ? That's confusing right. Because, are they really over? Like ever? What happens when you don't hear from them? Would you ever pop up like a memory in their heads. Plural, because this post is for all the men I've dated in the past. It's strange right? Just like some small little thing done by somebody, reminds you of someone, doesn't a similar small little thing done by somebody else remind them of you? Despite the social distancing, I've never been more connected to my inner circle than I am now. Though I have my days when I don't wish to speak to anybody. But that said, most days are good days. However, there is one feeling that I really miss. I don't know how to explain it. But let me give it a shot. Imagine, you're walking down the road, it is about to rain, the wind is really strong and you have your hoodie on. Though you enjoy the chill in the air, you want to reach home soon. So you start jogging towards home. A part...

I met someone. When I least expected it. When I never hoped to feel fine again. Actually, scratch that. It's a different kind of fine with him. The kind that allows you to exist peacefully, knowing that there is somebody there to accompany you in your silences. The silences don't feel as loud anymore. Knowing that these silences are being shared makes it a beautiful experience 💓 After Nescafe left me for his ex ( again, I know right, that's happened twice in a row now! About time I learnt my lesson), I went into a phase. I call it the Validation Phase . Needless to say, it is self-destructive. But a part of me wanted acceptance from people who could hardly even accept themselves. This was followed by a string of bad dates. Not all of them were bad, to be honest. But after every date, I came back with a question in my heart. Is he the one for me? The answer was no each time. For people like me, it takes 5 minutes within a date to decide the compatibility. I know, hard...

The last two days have been difficult. And confusing too. We lost Irrfan Khan yesterday and Rishi Kapoor today. I was a big fan of both of them. I was teary eyed yesterday. Felt like someone known had died. Felt like Irrfan had been a part of my circle, my mom's circle, my dad's circle, my boss's circle too. He was a part of everyone's circle. Felt like I lost a friend. His humility, his genuineness, his modesty, his down-to-earth demeanor, there was just so much to learn from him. But what really gets to me is the fact that we all choose to celebrate life of that person, only when he leaves. Why not today and everyday? Why does it take death of a person for all of us to make them feel special? Why wasn't their life enough? I doubt if Irrfan might be going through his Instagram page right now, while he is in heaven, wondering if that's how many people really loved him. In his head, before he died, he would have had a figure, say x, about the number of people ...

The universe conspires to bring two hearts together at the right time . Notice how I put the right time in bold. Cause I never believed in it till it happened with me. Back in 2014, I made a friend in Bristol. Initially, she came across as someone who was a bit cold. I used to maintain my distance from her cause I am way too warm and bubbly and I was a bit unsure about her feelings towards me. But then something happened. Our worlds collided. And it felt like I was looking at someone who was way more emotional than me. Her ice cold front was a way for her to protect her heart. If life were a movie, she'd be like, oh wait! Nope. She is way too unique to be put into one character. Maybe bits and pieces from here and there, but not a single character can embody all her craziness and love and warmth. Then as it happens in all the great love stories, we drifted apart. For four years, I did not reach out to her. I did miss her in silos. It's not like I was too proud to reach out...

Remember the theme song of the Powerpuff Girls show. Wait, I'll help! Sugar, spice, and everything nice These were the ingredients chosen To create the perfect little girls But Professor Utonium accidentally Added an extra ingredients to the concoction-- Chemical X Thus, the Powerpuff Girls were born Using their ultra-super powers Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup Have dedicated their lives to fighting crime And the forces of evil I came across something similar when I was reading my book - The Forty Rules of Love. The writer asks the protagonist - "What ingredients do you think you are putting in the collective stew of humanity? ".  Recently, I have been practising something. When someone begins to bug me, I ask myself- Are they adding any value to my life?  If they are not, then I ask myself - who gave them the power to hurt me so much if they bring absolutely nothing to the table? However, today I felt differently. I asked myself- What ...

Spring time it is! And boy, am I blooming. Well, exaggerating, as usual. But I am grateful. I realised that the past couple of months I have been sad and gloomy for a few things which were not in my hand. While I was busy sulking, I failed to realise a lot of life was happening parallely, urging me to stop, breathe, take notice. Self-absorbed, I ignored most of it. Took it for granted. Kept drowning in my misery. But really, unrequited love is not misery. Far from it. I don't dedicate this blog to him. He has had enough footage already. Plus, he doesn't care. It's me who has to learn to stop caring (which I will, eventually). So basically, today, as our PM decided to extend the lockdown by 19 more days, I heaved a sigh of relief. I guess I am the only one who is happy staying indoors. I actually don't mind it so much. I love spending time with myself. Most of the times, I have something or the other to do. Baking, cooking, cleaning, journaling, reading, working out,...

It's been a 100 days, but who's counting. Remember the last time I met you. Rather, I left. The memory is so blurred now, I don't even remember if I gave you a side hug or not. It's been a 100 days now. A 100 days of detoxification. A 100 days of not hearing from you. A 100 days of not writing to you. A 100 days of sleepless nights when I can't fall asleep without imagining you holding me. As this world cries and dies bit by bit because of COVID-19, I feel it's a privilege to cry because of you. To cry for you. I am so blessed that I have not contracted this virus. Privileged that I am not carrying the grief of losing someone because of it. Last year it was Hepatitis for me, this year it's Corona for all. Amidst this chaos, I am dying to know if you're okay. Are you? Okay? Healthy?Happy? Content? In love? With her? Again? Miss me? Not yet? Will you? Ever? I am finally at a stage in life wherein I have accepted that I will always be in love with you....

Tell me something. What happens to the big box of memories that people leave with you when they go? Why is it that the one who causes the pain in the first place gets to leave with simply a pouch of memories while you are left with a heavy suitcase and that too without wheels! Isn't it super hard to carry it along with you wherever you go? I carry my suitcase everywhere- while I am bathing, while I walk towards the metro station, while I take the stairs to my office, while I am in a coffee shop. It is so god damn heavy. I am never without my big bag of memories. The ones that you left me. The one with which you have nothing to do. Sometimes it makes me wonder, if you were even there with me in that moment. Or was I simply imagining things. Were you really there? Or did you take pity on me because I was a damsel in distress in your eyes? Did you say yes to dropping me back home because you really did care about me or was it something you would have done for anybody? Am I a fo...

The wind reminds me of you Makes me feel that it must have touched you too The water takes me back to that night Night where everything just felt so right The sun reminds me of us The good times, sense of belongingness and trust The moon reminds me of my heart It tries so hard to shine in the dark The trees remind me of your soul And how you'd always stand so tall Life reminds me of you You remind me of life These eyes just look for you in a crowd Heart skips a beat if I hear a familiar sound Tired and exhausted My soul cries for help In a world that's full of maybes It's looking for a yes And not just any yes But a yes from you Cause I don't know how to stop How to stop loving you Love, Aaliyah