What Next?
Disappointment! Such a heavy word. It's a big word too. Come to think of it, the one who actually first thought of this word, must actually be down in the dumps to begin with. A quick Google search shows that it clearly means - depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations. I think I chose the right word to describe my feelings. I wanted something so bad and when I did not get it, I felt discouraged because of my unfulfilled desire...
At moments like these, there will be no dearth of people reaching out to you to tell you that - " Hey, come on, this is all a part of god's master plan. He knows what he is doing better than anyone else. Just have faith in him."
I say bollocks to you! I know you mean well, but who knows if I will even be alive to see the actual plan unfold in time. What's the point if I end up dying before actually seeing the real reason behind the actions. What happens then? Isn't it unfair?
Which brings me to even bigger existential questions. Why was my wish not granted? I'll give you a background. It was a grant for further studies. I was absolutely sure that I'd get it and move to greener pastures. But now, I have to redesign my life all over again. It is not like I have a great supportive family that I need to stay here. My motivation stems from the fact that I want to be by myself. I don't understand human relationships that well. They are complicated. I do understand friendships though. But they don't keep you confined to your place. A friendship would survive irrespective of space and time.
I wanted my wings. I wanted to fly. I wanted to start a new life. A life where I am not scared of my future. I am tired of thinking of reasons why it would not work with someone. It is exhausting to be in my head at all times. I have a tendency to run away before I get abandoned. I get scared when people try to hold on to me. I keep thinking of their ulterior motives. I keep getting scared of their real intentions. I am a prisoner of my mind. Of my beautiful, complicated, dark and ever agile mind. It never stops running, creating scenarios. But it never dares to think of the beautiful things that life might offer. Cause it knows of life's cruel ways. It takes away the happiness the minute I begin to feel it. I think the only good thing I can do for myself is become a single mom and leave for good. If there's anything that my parent's divorce has taught me it is that your kids don't deserve to be the reason you put up with each other. Don't bring a kid into the world if there is no love between you two. A kid is not a band-aid that would heal your wound. I am stubborn in terms of the things I want from life. Nobody can give me that. And so, it is important that I re-design my life. Not as per the society. But as per my thoughts and desires. I don't need a husband. I want to be a mom, yes. But I think that I function best alone. Too much friction happens when I involve another person in the decision making process. So I was just thinking about - What Do I Want?
I want to start a new life, at a new place, doing something meaningful, making good money, fulfilling all my desires, learning new things, taking care of myself. Why is it so difficult for me to include another person in this plan? I just can't see myself doing all this alongside somebody. It is difficult to even imagine this. I think I have trained my brain to see things differently. Cause people leave. And love is the most overrated word on this planet. Excuse me for being bitter. But God didn't have a problem doing so, I am just following his footsteps.
Bitterness,
Aaliyah
At moments like these, there will be no dearth of people reaching out to you to tell you that - " Hey, come on, this is all a part of god's master plan. He knows what he is doing better than anyone else. Just have faith in him."
I say bollocks to you! I know you mean well, but who knows if I will even be alive to see the actual plan unfold in time. What's the point if I end up dying before actually seeing the real reason behind the actions. What happens then? Isn't it unfair?
Which brings me to even bigger existential questions. Why was my wish not granted? I'll give you a background. It was a grant for further studies. I was absolutely sure that I'd get it and move to greener pastures. But now, I have to redesign my life all over again. It is not like I have a great supportive family that I need to stay here. My motivation stems from the fact that I want to be by myself. I don't understand human relationships that well. They are complicated. I do understand friendships though. But they don't keep you confined to your place. A friendship would survive irrespective of space and time.
I wanted my wings. I wanted to fly. I wanted to start a new life. A life where I am not scared of my future. I am tired of thinking of reasons why it would not work with someone. It is exhausting to be in my head at all times. I have a tendency to run away before I get abandoned. I get scared when people try to hold on to me. I keep thinking of their ulterior motives. I keep getting scared of their real intentions. I am a prisoner of my mind. Of my beautiful, complicated, dark and ever agile mind. It never stops running, creating scenarios. But it never dares to think of the beautiful things that life might offer. Cause it knows of life's cruel ways. It takes away the happiness the minute I begin to feel it. I think the only good thing I can do for myself is become a single mom and leave for good. If there's anything that my parent's divorce has taught me it is that your kids don't deserve to be the reason you put up with each other. Don't bring a kid into the world if there is no love between you two. A kid is not a band-aid that would heal your wound. I am stubborn in terms of the things I want from life. Nobody can give me that. And so, it is important that I re-design my life. Not as per the society. But as per my thoughts and desires. I don't need a husband. I want to be a mom, yes. But I think that I function best alone. Too much friction happens when I involve another person in the decision making process. So I was just thinking about - What Do I Want?
I want to start a new life, at a new place, doing something meaningful, making good money, fulfilling all my desires, learning new things, taking care of myself. Why is it so difficult for me to include another person in this plan? I just can't see myself doing all this alongside somebody. It is difficult to even imagine this. I think I have trained my brain to see things differently. Cause people leave. And love is the most overrated word on this planet. Excuse me for being bitter. But God didn't have a problem doing so, I am just following his footsteps.
Bitterness,
Aaliyah
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