Why Is It So Hard To Allow Yourself To Take A Break???

 I quit my job on 25th September 2020. One of the boldest decisions I took for myself in the longest time. Just like that, I quit it. Actually no, I was going through some shit for the longest time. You see, I come from the development sector (or the social sector as many people would call it), so when I got a chance to work in the corporate sector, I was not too thrilled, but I still picked it up cause it was right there. Plus, it was better money than I made. Since I was barred from going to the field for a year, a desk job did suit my requirements at that time. Little did I know that this job would give me serious issues of doubting my self-worth.

So I joined in December last year. As I was getting accustomed to the larger than life corporate world, I realised that I am not 'it'. You know, 'it'! The girl in the pencil skirt and high heels and red lipstick and perfect eye make up and that lovely hair. I was so nervous on my first day that I accidentally entered the men's loo. But I hurriedly escaped from there without seeing something or anything for that matter. To make matters worse, my boss would always ridicule my ideas by saying that I have an NGO track mind. If that is even a word?! With every passing day, I felt a weird pain in my heart because of the work that I was being given. It was menial af. In my 10 months there, not once did I produce a single knowledge product. Not one!

A friend of mine recently shared a quote with me written by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and it goes like this - "If one wanted to crush and destroy a man entirely, to mete out to him the most terrible punishment, all one would have to do would be to make him do work that was completely and utterly devoid of usefulness and meaning".  

This summarises what was being done to me. I became a robot. I was working on something at all times except that I never really understood the purpose of that something. But I kept doing it cause I was scared like the countless others to lose my job. 

When the pandemic began, I was scared. I thought what if I did lose my job? What would I do then? What I didn't realise then was that - I was in the process of losing myself every single second that I did this job! They treated me like a second class citizen cause I was not from a fancy MBA institute, they ridiculed my ideas cause they were always focused on community development and never on profit creation. They did appreciate my knowledge, don't get me wrong! They really did. But they asked me not to speak in meetings, to tone down my knowledge cause it made other people feel inferior. Imagine me, wanting to make someone else feel inferior. I doubt myself all the time enough to ever mock anyone else for not knowing something. I hardly know anything myself. It's just that I love to learn and share and can get a bit over-excited in the process of sharing.

Anyway, I am missing the point here. While the pandemic has caused people to lose their jobs, I quit mine because I lost myself in the process of making money. The job that I was being made to do was no better than what an intern is supposed to do. But I kept doing it, every single day, until one day when I couldn't do it anymore. I woke up and felt so hollow. So purposeless. As I walked aimlessly towards my laptop, I could feel my heart sink with every step. I switched on my laptop and there they were. 5 stinker emails from my boss. " The slides look exactly like they were, did you even work on them? Don't you understand the concept of line spacing? The font size and font style are inappropriate".  Imagine, first thing in the morning, you wake up and you check your mail and you find such rude words being spoken to you, despite not being at fault. I kept looking at my screen and crying! I know, shocker right? No, but I really did cry. I cried like someone close to me had died. And that someone was me. It took me 10 months, several stinker emails and one nasty boss to realise that my soul needed help and so did my mental health. And then just like that, I typed the golden words - I quit! 😎😎

Well, the drama that followed is something that I am unwilling to capture here. Just know that I was promoted to a Senior just one day before I quit. I left so that I could save whatever little is left of me. My authenticity, which my boss was trying to trade for a soulless person who always spoke big ass words to show off her knowledge. I felt like Andrea the moment she realised that she is nothing like Miranda in The Devil Wears Prada. Only difference being my boss would never send in a good word for me to any other firm. And truth be told, I don't even need that.

Choosing a job in many ways is like choosing a life partner. What happens if things end bitterly? Would they still be there for you if you really needed them to? In this case, I know the answer. But I also know, that the next job that I pick up(provided there is anything left in the market for me to pick up), will be to make me happy. Who am I running against? Who am I even competing with? Why am I so afraid to pause? If even for a month or two. Don't I deserve a break?

Seems like the society has conditioned me in such a way that I'd rather be miserable in a job that disrespects my knowledge than just breathe and consciously plan the next steps to protect my mental health! Which is so wrong. Let me list the worst fears in my heart. I recently read this in a book that when you list all your worst fears down, you put them all together in one place and then it stops being so scary. So let's give it a shot!

THINGS THAT SCARE ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW - 

1. What if I never find a job? So much for being gung-ho and quitting so stylishly! 

2. What if I again hate the job I find, if at all I did find one?

3. Now that I am on a 6 month forced stay as per the new lease rules, what happens if I am unable to pay the rent?

4. What if I never get a grant for my PhD?

5. What if the people at my previous company back bitch about me and then nobody wants to hire me?

6. What if I am unable to produce a single piece of good work in my lifetime and I die without doing anything about it?

7. What if I become so bitter due to being unhappy that I lose the real me!

When I question myself if quitting was the right decision, I say yes in a heartbeat. Quitting is not for losers. It is for people who choose to have faith in themselves when nobody else does. People say that I should have thought this through. But believe me, had I actually thought it through then I would have never had the courage to take such a drastic step, that too in such troubled times. So sometimes it best to jump without thinking of the consequences! But yes, the overthinking complex and anxiety that I deal with is making it all seem a lot more difficult than it already is! 

I am keeping the faith that someone, somewhere has written my story in beautiful ink and all these setbacks are actually lessons that he wants me to learn from so that I can believe in myself like he does in me! So god, if you're listening, give me a sign that you'll catch me if I fall. Cause this time, apart from the faith I don't have much left in my heart. 

Building myself up from scratch,

Aaliyah