Should I give up or should I just keep waiting?

 The other day a very close friend of mine came to visit us. She came with her lovely family - aunty and uncle. She got married back in 2018 and her mom was extremely excited to share the wedding photos with us. My mom was happy too, until they left and she shared - when would my daughter dress up like a bride? This was a genuine sigh. Not the kinds you do to manipulate people into doing what you want them to. But this came from the heart and it touched mine.

Which brings me to the bigger question - Am I afraid of getting married cause of parents' divorce? I won't lie to you but I've seen the fights, the arguments, the tension, the air of negativity, I've hardly seen love. So my expectations in life are pretty low when it comes to getting settled. But see, I used the word "settled". The word itself does not have a very positive ring to it, does it? Settled to me means saying that - this will do for now. Should something as pious as marriage be based on the logic of - this will do for now? 

Do I even want to get married? Yes, I do want to share my life with somebody but I never want to lose myself in the process of doing so. It took me 28 years of being with myself to understand my likes and dislikes, what irks me, what makes me smile, what makes my heart happy. And just like that, I am supposed to give up on these things and focus on the other person. And do I even love him, to begin with? 

The person I'm seeing these days is nice. But he does not love me. Seems like falling in love with me is such a herculean task. It's like, I come with my own warning sign, you can like me but falling in love with me might be difficult so proceed at your own risk. I know I am not the easiest person to deal with, but everyone deserves to be cherished. I do too :( 

Why is it that when it comes to me, I am always willing to go all in, but when it comes to the other person, the calculated risk does not seem to yield the desired results. What are even these desired results that I am so unaware of? What do I lack that makes people not want to bet on me? Maybe the fact that I am not a very good cook or the fact that I talk too much or that I am too blunt at times or a bit disorganised or a bit more ambitious than the others. 

Truth be told, I am not very happy in this half-hearted arrangement. Whatever I have done in my life I have given it my heart and soul but here, for some odd reason, I am asked to give a spoonful of myself. Not too little, not too much. Just about enough. I need crazy love. The kinds that movies depict or the ones in romance novels. Somehow, I have never found them to be unrealistic at all. People might, but I don't. I love love. It sustains and nourishes my soul. I get cranky when I don't get it. 

Come November, I am taking a stand for myself. Any half-hearted relationship or friendship or even job application goes out of the window. I was saved by the angels to live a life worth being happy about. Not the one that I am currently living wherein I doubt myself about every single thing I do. 

Hope I find the courage and strength to be the best version of myself, the one that I was always supposed to be. 

Love, 

Aaliyah

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