Grateful and Blessed!

Spring time it is! And boy, am I blooming. Well, exaggerating, as usual. But I am grateful. I realised that the past couple of months I have been sad and gloomy for a few things which were not in my hand. While I was busy sulking, I failed to realise a lot of life was happening parallely, urging me to stop, breathe, take notice. Self-absorbed, I ignored most of it. Took it for granted. Kept drowning in my misery. But really, unrequited love is not misery. Far from it. I don't dedicate this blog to him. He has had enough footage already. Plus, he doesn't care. It's me who has to learn to stop caring (which I will, eventually).

So basically, today, as our PM decided to extend the lockdown by 19 more days, I heaved a sigh of relief. I guess I am the only one who is happy staying indoors. I actually don't mind it so much. I love spending time with myself. Most of the times, I have something or the other to do. Baking, cooking, cleaning, journaling, reading, working out, learning a new course online and yes of course, some office work too. I like me. I can keep myself entertained for hours learning about the life of Freud or Socrates or Buddha. Learning makes me happy. It keeps me on the go. There is so much to know, so much to learn, so much to absorb. Now that I am out of my hibernation, I want to take the sunshine in!

Anyway, moving on, after the extended lockdown was announced, I decided to make a list of 5 things that I am grateful for. This idea actually came from Flipkart's mail that I received in my inbox- Day 21 Activity No. 21- Make a list of 5 things you are thankful for. In that moment I paused and actually put my thoughts into this task. Just because the love of my life does not love me back does not mean I don't have a life. Life - (love of my life) is still a subset of my entire life. It's just life minus one element. Okay, so maybe I gave a lot of weightage to that aspect, but now I wish to reduce the weight I attach to it. I wish to transfer this weight to the other aspects of my life that have been overlooked for the longest time. So on a very happy and blessed note, here I am, sharing a list of 10 things that I am truly grateful for ( I added 5 more cause I am in such a good mood :)) -

1. A working Air Conditioner and a comfortable bed! Very often we fail to notice the importance of these two basic necessities, but believe me, they are my constant companions (bed at least, AC is seasonal like the men in my life :P). I can't imagine a single day without falling on my super comfy bed and holding my pillow while sleeping. Plus the bed boxes help me store all my excess shopping without ever feeling guilty. Out of sight is out of mind! So yes - a good night's sleep on a comfortable bed with fairy lights is what my heaven is supposed to look like and I am so glad that this is constant! :)

2. Baking! I took this for granted but nothing makes me happier than a lovely cake. However, these days I am more of a brownie in a mug person because I am trying to ration the usage of luxuries such as butter, milk, flour, baking powder, dry fruits - not revealing my secret recipe here :P Go watch YouTube :P There is something about a brownie in a mug that says - He is an asshole, let him be. I will always be there. I'll be ready in 2 minutes and I will be sweet and loving and caring each time you make me. I think I have lost it, I am talking to my brownie in a mug. But believe me, it helps. It just adds the zing back to my life each time I have it. So yes, grateful for the instant brownie in a mug videos on YouTube. I will start baking once the quarantine ends. I feel guilty about using excess of anything. Believe me, baking is a luxury, times like this make you feel so grateful for every cake you ever had!

3. Whatsapp calls with my best friends. Unlike most people, I have several best-friends. Sue me! I have a best-friend from school, one from college, one from my first Master's, one from my second Master's, one from my last office, one from my new office. But if I compare all of them put-together, I have two whom I would speed dial if the world was coming to an end. They know it :) So Newsflash- Whatsapp and Netflix are kinda friends too. Didn't know that. What I do every night is, whatsapp call my bestie and watch a movie with her on Netflix. I am technologically challenged so this was really my Eureka moment when I realised that I can watch a movie while I was on a call with her. We could crack jokes together! Amidst the laughter, we forgot that we were actually not together physically, but we were there. In that moment. Right by each other. I am sure I will continue to have date nights with her once I go out for my further studies. I know, I still want to study more! And that brings me to my next point.

4. My PhD. It was supposed to start in September. But the pandemic has caused everything to be deferred. Come to think of it, this time, last year, I was wheelchair-bound. I was too sick to move. I could not even digest a piece of cake without throwing up. And look at me now! I am baking, I am working out like nobody's business, I am thriving, not just existing. Life really happened to me. I picked up my pieces, applied for a PhD, got admission, waiting for my scholarship and when that happens (cause I know in my heart it will), I will fly away. Truth be told, Nescafe not loving me was the biggest inspiration behind my PhD. I realised that I cannot be this person who just sits and observes her exes getting married, one after the other. I was bigger than that. I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone and talk to myself wherein I said to myself- Look here girl, he will get married, he will move on and then? What about you? What do you want? If you want to study more, you do that. Nobody is stopping you. You have no reason to stay here. You need to spread your wings and fly. Maybe you'll fly, maybe you'll fall, but at least - TRY!! That's when I started applying and magic happened. I got accepted into my dream university. I will go there. I will study my ass off. I will learn. I will work. I'll do all that whilst I don't feel incomplete! Because I never was to begin with.

5. A stable job. As cliched as it sounds, money is important. And I feel blessed to be working at a decent place. I didn't have a job last year (actually I quit in April), but god guided me through it all. First my PhD applications, then my job interviews. I have god on my side. This helped me get my confidence back. Feels like I got an upgrade. I feel good. I have more greys now, more cellulite, more pimples even, but I am fine. Because I like me. All of me. Because it is real. And it is beautiful cause it is a part of me :)

6. Grey's Anatomy - Every Single Episode. I keep going back to the past episodes to see Meredith and Derek. But I realise that Mer did fine even after Derek died. She single-handedly managed it all. I can do the same :) Trust god's timing :)

7. New Girl - Hooked! How did I even miss it! I chanced upon it on Hotstar and I feel that it is way better than Friends. It truly is. Watch it and see for yourself.

8. Realising that I am the kind of woman a guy would come back for. I am not the kind of woman that a guy would never leave. That's the difference. He would leave, only to come back as a better version of himself and I think that in all fairness, that is way better :)

9. My Friends- I'll be moving out of my dad's house soon and to have a place to go to is a blessing. I have friends who lookout for me always. They care. They're like my real family that I made. Somehow, they love me enough to stay, something which was apparently so hard for my biological parents to do. Nope, I am in a good mood. Ain't letting anything screw it up.

10. A new friend that I made who waves at me from her terrace each day at 6 pm. Sanaya. She is 5 years old and she is my quarantine partner. She is the only person I actually look forward to seeing each day. I wear a fancy golden hairband and she wears her pink one and then we wave at each other and do the chicken dance. The day this ends, I'll run to her, hug her tight and bring her all the chocolates she wants.

So you see - How much you don't miss of what you don't have is how happy you will be. I copied this quote from the internet and believe me, it took a split second to stop sulking. I am much better today!

Hope this helps, someone, somewhere!

Love (vanishing bit by bit daily but increasing for the right people),
Aaliyah