Be Careful What (Who) You Wish For!

I met someone. When I least expected it. When I never hoped to feel fine again. Actually, scratch that. It's a different kind of fine with him. The kind that allows you to exist peacefully, knowing that there is somebody there to accompany you in your silences. The silences don't feel as loud anymore. Knowing that these silences are being shared makes it a beautiful experience 💓

After Nescafe left me for his ex ( again, I know right, that's happened twice in a row now! About time I learnt my lesson), I went into a phase. I call it the Validation Phase. Needless to say, it is self-destructive. But a part of me wanted acceptance from people who could hardly even accept themselves. This was followed by a string of bad dates. Not all of them were bad, to be honest. But after every date, I came back with a question in my heart. Is he the one for me? The answer was no each time. For people like me, it takes 5 minutes within a date to decide the compatibility. I know, hardly any time, right? But well, that's how my system works. It is really fast when it comes to guys but when it comes to looking for formulas on excel, it just freezes!😆 Anyway, deviating! I'll come back to the point. Ever since I began dating, it was only once that my heart froze and time froze on a date. Felt like my soul recognized his soul. It was Nescafe, of course. And maybe, I kept replaying that moment again and again till it became my favourite memory of his, so much that all the hurtful things he did to me took a backseat. Cause of our first date. I fell prey to his charms. It took me 2 and a half years to come out of it. Actually, it's not just that - it took a fatal liver disease, his indifference, his infidelity, a couple of even worse men, and the proper determination to pursue a PhD that helped me come out of it. But that's not all!

Something, rather, someone happened to me. One night, when I was awfully low, I took my best friend's advice and I went on Bumble. After a few 100 left swipes, I found his profile but for some reason, I could not right swipe it. I exited the app. Was restless, so came back on it again. As fate would have it, after a few 100 left swipes, he was there again. This time, it took me a nano second to right swipe him. I texted him ( that's how it works - the girl needs to text first and that's important cause otherwise guys can hardly expect a reply to their numerous Heys! 😏Guess, Bumble was, after all, designed keeping the guy's dignity in mind 😅), told him that I did not have some cheesy pick up line for him to sweep him off his feet but I just wanted to say Hey! For someone who has been on the app since 2016, I know how this works. Plus, I was looking for something easy-breezy, so why bother putting in a lot of effort, that too, just for a night! You might have an amazing night in the chatroom with someone, only to lose all your interest the next day. That's what I thought this would be. One night of texting him to kill my loneliness. Was not expecting a tomorrow with him, or even a day after. Little did I know that God had other plans!

He replied, but kinda late. Not as fast as I would want him to. This indicated two things - 

1. He was already talking to a bunch of women

2. He has a good game cause it's always good to take some time before replying ( provided you're not in a relationship, cause if you do this then, then god save you! 👊👊)

Our conversation started flowing. I did not even pause to think what I was writing or how would he perceive me to be.  I allowed myself to just go with the flow, without badgering myself if I'll have a tomorrow with him. I said to myself, tonight is enough ( I clearly lied cause I wanted more of him, but I didn't want to be greedy). This was back in April. 

And now we are together. Together is such a heavy word! I used this word for someone back in 2009. It took me 11 years to say it with conviction again. I've dated so many men,but not once have I actually had the courage to use the word - together! Either I was not in the zone or they were not in it for the long haul. Either ways, this word was locked up in my vault. It never thought it would see the light of the day until D came along ( let's call him D). 

D stays. D listens to me. D doesn't react, he responds. D is not affected in the least by my scarred skin, he gazes into my eyes. D remembers. D has a heart filled with gratitude. D is honest. D is fun. D bites ( no I mean literally, not just sexually 😂). D feels like a bean bag, on which I can always fall after a long day at work. D is my movie partner. D makes my heart glow. But it's a different kinda glow. It's not that super exciting and anxious glow. It is an earthy shade of belief that he is good for me and my soul 💓

D intends to stay. I want him to stay. 💓 

Till our paths crossed, I was carefully wishing upon the stars to bring Nescafe back to me. Until D made me realise that I am not someone you leave for somebody else. I'm the someone you never leave. If he has that much of faith in me, how dare I not see myself like he sees me. 

I was aimlessly running after something for such a long time. I'd go on dates and talk about Nescafe and come back home and cry, only to realise what have I done. But D gave me a safe place to vent. A safe place to grieve. And by doing so, he made me realise that I was mourning the loss of something that was never mine to begin with. D feels like mine and trust me, that scares the crap out of me.To be able to call somebody as "mine" needs a lot of courage. Cause in today's time, people can be mine, and yours too and hers too 😂. 

As of now, it's a good place we are in. But I have to go. I'll be changing cities soon and then hopefully, countries as well. Will what's mine still remain mine? That's a story for another day. But as of now, he is my Ikigai! 💓

Love, 

Aaliyah