Was 2020 really that bad?

 While the entire world complains about how horrible this year has been for them, I, for one, can't believe how far I've come! This year started on a rather difficult note for me, with me writing love-sick poems for who I thought was the "Love-of-my-life". In my head, he was a once in a lifetime kind of love. Little did I know that I was smitten by an idea and not so much by the person.

It took me almost 12 months of drama to figure out who I truly am and what I truly want. All I was actually looking for was peace and no amount of love from a guy or endless phone calls with friends or researching or stalking my exes or binge watching series on Netflix could bring it to me. 

To be honest, I felt peace finally, just a minute ago, when I was making my 11.11 wish. I finally had no long list to wish for anything. I just gave thanks to god and my guardian angels for keeping me and my family alive and safe. We had our moments wherein we all wanted to end ties with each other, but somewhere along the line, patience and time played a key role in making us all cordial again. 

I have no wishes left? Isn't that strange? My name means desire. Desires are nothing but wishes, aren't they. And I have nothing left to ask god for. I think that is what peace is supposed to feel like. Gratitude for making it this far in life. Maybe it is an amalgamation of gratitude and faith. Faith is knowing that my next steps in life have already been walked upon by almighty and he has smiled all along the way for he knew how I'd react to each curveball and when I'd fall upon my knees to look for his guidance. He knows. I find peace in knowing that he knows. My faith is undying.

When this year began, I was desperate. Have never been this desperate in my life. I wanted to be loved back by the one man who was physically and emotionally incapable of loving me. As this year ends, I have left my suitcase of memories at an unknown station. Maybe someone is safekeeping it at the lost and found department there. Let it stay there. I don't think I need it anymore. 

I ended so many chapters this year. I started so many new. Acceptance is the hardest virtue that there is no shortcut to. It happens when it is supposed to happen. Not when you want it to happen. But believe me, it does happen. It leaves you feeling light as a feather. Knowing that your emotions and mood is no longer controlled by the actions or inactions of a person. 

I believe that acceptance happened for me this year. It was mostly self-acceptance. Believe me, that one is the hardest. I gained a few pounds and I didn't badger myself by self-loathing my pictures, I got a couple of new greys but I embraced them so gracefully. I left my job because I felt crippled by it and decided to use up my savings to sustain. People save for a future, but what good is my money if it does not look after my needs when I most need it. I saved for myself and I am proudly spending on myself. 

 I moved out of my dad's house at 28, found my own place under the sun at 29 and am starting my new life here. 

Number of love interests I entered 2020 with: 1

Number of love interests I had in 2020: 7

Number of love interests I am leaving 2020 with: 1 (myself)

A list of good things that happened for me this year - 

1. A friend helped me file my ITR - Honestly, that's a massive accomplishment for me!

2. I spent a lot of time with my mom who stays miles away from me. We had our fair share of fights but we ended up sorting it all out. I know that she will always be there for me.

3. I finally found the courage to move out of my dad's place and find my own little cottage in Delhi ( kidding, it's not a cottage but a 1BHK. I've done it up like I'd do my English cottage)

4. I took a stand for myself when the company for which I was working for treated me like I didn't matter. Times like these you realise, if you don't take a stand for yourself, nobody else would. 

5. I had a couple of relationships. Though none of them survived, but I am still glad they happened.

6. I learnt to be on my own without expecting much from people. It's okay they can't be there for you. They are trying hard to be there for themselves too.

7. I traveled to a couple of nice places and had a nice family holiday.

8. I stopped racing with my peers. I guess being alive in itself is enough for this year. I can find my passion later and hone my skills when I am ready for it.

9. I learnt how to make good tea!

10. I became more patient and grateful. It's okay if I don't have it all sorted out. One day I will. And it's okay if that day is not today :) 

So you see, 2020 taught me a lot. When pushed to extremes, we all react in a manner that nobody can ever know. But with the right kind of people by your side and patience with yourself, we'll get through this, I suppose :) 

Hoping for a happy 2021 :) 

Love,

Aaliyah

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