My Petrichor Pages

 Why am I not my own biggest cheerleader? Why is it so hard to tell yourself that you are good enough, irrespective of what you look like? Why does my overthinking have to kill each happy vibe that I have? I'll explain. AG92 is coming to my city in 13 days. I will meet him for the first time on 14th December. I made the mistake of seeing his ex last night. She looks exactly like my ex best friend and I have not been able to get her image out of my head. Why is it so hard to accept that two women can be beautiful at the same time in their own unique way! Why am I so competitive that I need to be better than her? Maybe I am not. Maybe I never will be. I did the exact same thing to DD. I think it is a venomous pattern and I need to break it in my 30s! This needs to go. Let us simply organize our thoughts first. When I was with DD, I was asked out by people who maybe, were better looking than him. But I chose DD because he is everything that I need in the right quantity and he makes me...

 I feel refreshed. I feel new. I feel full. I feel content. I feel grateful. I feel blessed! The last 4 days of my life have been so beautiful! Every single person who is a part of my circle made an effort to make me feel super special! My mom made my 30th birthday the best birthday I've ever had. AG92 was with me throughout the day, even if virtually. DD came all dressed up for the night, he actually put in a lot of effort in getting ready and I appreciated that. All my friends, even though they were late, but they still came and made me feel like the most important person in the world. I was celebrated for being me.  My friend Tee, made us play a very interesting game that was all about me. And I wanted that, quite honestly. Everyone had to say how do they know me and what is the one thing about me that they really value. And of course, one embarrassing story, which I will not mention here at all! But I still want to pen down some of the beautiful things that were said about...

 This is my last blog as a 29 year old woman. From tomorrow, I will be a 30 year old woman. 30! Fuck! I want to be honest here. I am scared af. Cause I do not know what to expect. Which brings me to the most important question that I have been meaning to ask myself for such a long time now - Am I truly proud of myself?  The answer to this question is YES! My reasons to be proud of myself will not include a single materialistic reason. I don't have a house. I don't have a car. I don't have gold jewellery. I haven't taken a Euro Trip in ages.  What I have instead is -  1. I have helped people who were struggling to make ends meet to receive some funds to make their lives simpler.  2. I have stood up against my Stepdad and father time and again to protect my mom.  3. I have given a lot of love to a lot of undeserving people but at the same time have gracefully exited their life when things got ugly.  4. I have dared to work with really big and famous orga...

 I started the year crying in bed because I was left for no reason by the Pilot. Joined Bumble, met Cookie King. Too much of sweet is bad for your health and he proved that right. Human took me out on a date and I wanted to have a good V Day with him, but I never learn. Human = Disappointing me always since the first day we met! Same night I met SS. SS was a good guy. We dated for a week and then I realised he was fucked up. Good fucked up, but still.  By March I was a mess again. My job sucked. I had no contract, 0 money, sexually harassed at my workplace, single. I was literally at my worst back then. That's when DD came along. It has been the craziest of all journeys of my life. Happy, sad, ecstatic, crazy, stupid, powerful, dynamic, real, authentic. But that ended too. We are still great friends who will always care about each other and be there for each other. But other than that, there was not much to us.  My year will be ending with AG92. Here's hoping. My new year...

 I will be turning 30 soon. 3 and the big 'OH'. Oh sounds like Hoe reversed, doesn't it? Do I feel like one? Now that I've mentioned it, I don't feel so good about anything these days. My period is late for starters. And it is making me cranky. AG92 is being a dick, mostly cause he is sick, and partially cause he is incapable of human emotions. DD is untrustworthy, as usual. A few of my friends have decided to ditch me on my birthday. Wait, there is more. I have a terrible cold and cough and of course, headaches are free with these two! My colleague with massive body odour issues just entered office and I can smell her from across the room, with a stuffed nose, so that is something! Oh god, the stench! It feels like someone described the current smell of my life. If my life right now could have a signature fragrance, it would resemble her awful stench!  To top it off, work is hard. Like really hard. I am exhausted even before the day begins. I look forward to going ...

 Am I again trying to see him for who he is not, for who he just "might" become? Am I placing my bet on potential knowing fully well that the reality is that he is incapable of loving someone. Why does fake love give more comfort as opposed to the reality? The reality is always inconclusive. Always. Am supposed to be okay with the breadcrumbs, again? DD offers me the world only when I end things. Not otherwise. He is still hopeful to find the love of his life. I actually find it so amusing! I hope to find someone nice and then work towards the relationship, while he aims to find someone perfect. Like a made to order model. I feel like Carrie all the time when Big chooses Natasha over her. Why wasn't it me? She kept asking. Kept badgering herself with this question. I stopped asking myself this months ago. Sometimes you simply need to make peace with the fact that people are idiots and they are meant to regret losing you. They will. That is the law of nature.  AG92 is inca...

 An oxymoron, isn't it? That's what I feel like these days. I am so sick and tired of playing this game. This game wherein one holds the power to crush you heart. Truth be told, it has happened to me not once, not twice, but 6 times this year. I have been let down, not so gently, on several occasions. Heartbreaks stop hurting as bad each time my heart breaks a little. People are nothing but new cracks in my heart. The optimist in me continues to cherish the good memories and use it as a tape to hold my heart together. But what happens when the stickiness of the tape begins to fade away.  Sometimes I feel that I did not process my grief completely. I let it simmer for a while, only for the flames to burn me later on. Did I wish for too much? I saw a shooting star a few months ago with DD. While he wished for his startup, I wished for him. Wasted my wish on a shooting star! Which brings me to the bigger question - are our wishes ever heard or are we forced by fate to follow the ...