Do people realise the damage they do to little hearts?

I am writing this in the middle of my day despite being on a deadline because I absolutely need to get it off my chest. I usually use the Pomodoro Technique to work (25 minutes of focused work followed by a 5 minute break). I used this break to go to Facebook and I saw a few friend suggestions there. One of them was of a classmate who was the son of a teacher in my school. That teacher was really fond of me and so she had invited me to her son's birthday. This was back in class 6th I guess. When I excitedly told him that I have been invited by your mom to attend your birthday, he said something that shocks me to this day. He said to me that please do not come to my party since you are not cool enough to attend. My fingers are numb as I type this. Imagine how strong I must have been in that moment to have not cried in front of everyone. But I think this was one of the major scars in my heart as a kid. Another one was the fair kids singling me out because I was dusky, one was my crush making jokes on my weight. One was me throwing a house warming party when I had moved to my new house and nobody came. Not one person.  

And now, I am married to the most handsome man who is the best human being I know. I am living my dream in the UK, having worked so hard to achieve it. I look pretty on most days if not every day. But somehow, this still does not compensate for all the hate that was thrown my way as a kid. I have seen in movies that as a part of AA, people are asked to make amends and apologize to everyone they have hurt in their journey. Why does that not happen in general in life too? Kids who bullied other kids should apologize for their behaviour so that people like us can get closure.  

I used to hate it when my therapist would ask me to talk about my childhood. However, now I do kind of get it. A lot of my fears and insecurities root from there. 

I was never a popular girl at school. Studied way too hard to always get a scholarship. Even in my college, the only thing people liked about me was my good-looking ex. I found my tribe during my first Masters. People who loved me irrespective of what I looked like, how fat or thin I was, how dark I was. And then of course my second Masters in the UK that made me a strong, independent woman. Throughout my journey, my fears continued to come with me, hovering like a dark cloud. The faint voices of those little kids bullying me is something I still deal with. I give myself a moment and try to become mindful of my present, of how far I have come in life. 

A part of me still struggles to be accepted by my colleagues. Even though, I may not like them at all. But I still try to mingle just to feel like I belong here. I still have a fear of - if I ever throw a party and nobody will show up, just like it happened in middle school, then what? I still look at my photo a 100 times before uploading, what if they have something mean to say about it. 

I thought that being married and having my dream job would make me immune to all this, but alas! it doesn't happen like that. 

I truly hope that world becomes a better place for the next generation. Else there would be so many unresolved issues to deal with that there would be hardly any time for progress. 

Here's hoping! 

Love, 

Aaliyah