My Petrichor Pages

 Now what? Stuck again? DD makes me lose my mind! This love is crazy. I did not speak to him for a week. In that one week, I was miserable. Horribly miserable. Loneliness trumps pride any day. Truth be told, I am not as afraid of loneliness as I am of not having him around to hold me, having experienced his love.  This time there is a twist! A lovely twist. We have the entry of a new dashing hero: AG92. Never met him. My best friend from my Bristol days, Tee, she introduced us. In one word, he is polite. Polite and respectful. I, on the other hand, am being overly nice to him for some reason. Is it because I have a genuine sense of concern for him cause he lost his mom. Initially, I was more nice to him than usual cause I even shudder to think of the day when my mom does not call to ask me about what I've had so far and what will I have for dinner? I think, I am more of a nurturer (who does not know how to cook :P). So my niceness was directly proportional to my concern for hi...

 I am on really heavy pain medication. I am drowsy af. But I still want to type this. Just when I thought I was over DD, I clearly wasn't. Came back home yesterday. Was on my knees. Crying. Begging god for some direction. I am having a hard time at work these days. Earlier I used to call DD and discuss it. Now, I don't have that liberty. In the words of Sabaa Khan from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil : "Mohabbat karna humaare bass me nahi, par us mohabbat se dur chale jaana, wo humaare bass me hai". That's what I did.  He wants someone else.  Someone else != Me I wish I can be someone else for someone else. Does it make sense to you? Does it even make sense to me?  I was constantly trying to say to myself what he would have said to me. His voice is still so fresh in my head. He is a troubleshooter, so he would have calmly heard me out, and given me a step by step solution. I am so drowsy right now, don't even know what I am typing. But I need to get him out of my system.  ...

 Today's date is very special to me. 19th September. Reasons:  1. I met Aadi, my first real boyfriend on 19.09.2009 2. I went to UK on 19.09.2014 3. I attended my boss's house party last year on this date when I realised I never wanted to become a full-time employee of that organisation. I came back home and my best friend and I called Nescafe to make him realise what a jerk he has been to me over the years. It actually worked cause it felt like the spell broke! I was free from him. The second she told him what all I had gone through cause of his indifference, I felt that my pain was finally validated and it stopped hurting. 4. I was supposed to leave for UK on 19.09.2021 but that never happened I am writing this from the comfort of my home, sipping amazing Hillcrest tea that I picked up from a fancy hotel I was staying in with DD. So glad it was complimentary. I tried not to look at today's date, but as fate would have it, it's right there, everywhere. On my phone, on ...

 No, really. Just think about it. There is a good day. And then life resumes its course. You get deeply involved in your work, swiping people left, right and centre on dating apps, doing your household chores, meeting a few friends every now and then, crying over an ex. Crying some more. And then, you make random plans to go to a heritage city with him. And then for those two days, life is back to being good.  Why does it so happen with some people, it is so easy to pick up where you left from. I am too afraid to tell my friends I went on a road trip with him. They hate him for obvious reasons. He has become a dirty little secret of my life. But I loved playing badminton with him, loved watching him take a shower and dancing like it was nobody's business, loved how he protected me from the locusts, loved how he would get desserts for me from the buffet, loved how he lent me his t-shirt (which I am keeping btw), loved that he played terrible tabla on the table imitating my "Ban...

I haven't seen Closer yet, but there a scene between Natalie and Jude Law that keeps popping up on my Instagram. She tells him that no one will ever love him like her and asks him with desperate eyes "Why isn't love enough?". It's not. It never was. It never will be.  I don't have much to lose now. I imagine the worst that can happen and it all leads to god. Every single time. No, I am not suicidal. I am just processing all that life has thrown my way. I think I have a habit of putting things inside a box and locking it. That's my coping mechanism. Hoping and praying that it does not manifest in some way or the other when triggered. What's working well for me?  1. My health 2. My mom's health 3. A stable job 4. A decent house 5. A few good friends  What's not working for me?  1. An indecisive heart 2. Lack of passion in my work  3. Lower back pain ( and I am not even doing anything about it which is wrong) 4. Lack of a vision for my future I ha...