What I felt after deleting my profile on all the dating apps!
It hit me like a breath of fresh air! I never thought I had it in me, but apparently, I do. I deleted it all, in one go. In all honesty, I have been looking for love for the past 5 years. I am 27 now, so clearly my quest began when I was 22. Apparently, not a smart move for a 22 year old girl, but I was convinced, in my heart, about a happily ever after. I'd seen it in the movies. I'd read the romantic novels. I knew how it was supposed to end or even begin. I was fixated on the idea of a " Happily Ever After". But it's called living in a fool's paradise. Even though for people like us- Ignorance is Bliss, but the reality has it's own way of biting you right in the ass when you least expect it!
There is a famous quote that I love- " I looked for it, I couldn't find it, that doesn't mean that it does not exist". And then there's another one- " He is out there somewhere. He is just with all the wrong women". These quotes are partially responsible for me being a bit more hopeful than I should have been ideally. So clearly, these are not the words to live by.
I decided to create my profile on 2 dating apps and lo and behold, 2 matrimonial apps as well. I was confident, sure of myself, assuring myself every now and then, I will find him. For sure. I didn't even give myself a chance to " be found ". The next question would be, why did I join the apps. If you ask me the real reason behind it, I'd say that I am not one of those girls who'd meet their soulmate on a flight or while sipping coffee in a cafe or while shopping or gymming. I don't think it happens with most girls and I am a part of the majority. People like us need to go an extra mile to get what we want. Magic doesn't happen that easily for us. And even if it does, most of the times, we're just not into that person. So basically there is no spark ( spark is a real concept, but sometimes, sparks do cause fire and I have learnt my lesson. Fingers crossed). So basically, I wanted someone. I needed someone. Is it really so bad? In today's time, I guess it is. We live in a world wherein we feel that we cannot show that we are vulnerable. So we hide it, beneath layers and layers of filters. At some point of time, I even had a filter for my soul. My beautiful aching soul. It's like wrapping up broken glass to make it look pretty. Unfortunately, the minute you start unwrapping, you open up to someone, you show them you're human, they run away faster than Usain Bolt! They leave. They're scared. Nobody wants to see who you really are as long as you look good naked. Nobody wants to go beyond the skin. It's all superficial. Makes you scared of actually being you.
For the past 5 years I have met a plethora of men. Men who had nothing in common with their profile pictures, men who had an issue with my parent's divorce, men who didn't like the fact that I was born under a weird astrological sign, men who had a steady girlfriend but it slipped their mind to inform me about it ( come on! Cut them some slack here. Juggling their job and a full time girlfriend along with me, ouch! It's definitely a task! Full marks for at least trying to make it work with me!), men who wanted nudes all the time, men who would ask me how my day was only to start sexting after 2 minutes, men who called me " too invested" in a relationship, men who didn't like the fact that my hair was shorter and less shinier than their ex's, men who would just ghost out on me to name a few. This is a cumulation of my experience on both, the dating and the matrimonial app. Don't get me wrong. There were some good ones too. Actually no. Just scratch that. If there was a good one, I would have actually made it work. Not against men, it's just that my sample didn't yield the kind of results I was expecting.
You want to know out of the set that I have described above, which one of them hurt the most. The ones who ghosted out on me after a perfect date. Anxiety kicks in once the supposedly "perfect" date walks away from you. Picking yourself up from there, now that is really difficult. Because you've been shown a new world, but just for one night. For that night, you are Cinderella. The only difference in my story is that he never came to look for me. Not once. I waited and then waited some more. And so Cinderella decided to kill her time by falling back into the same trap. The dating trap on the dating app. I am not a bitter person. In fact, I am the most hopeful romantic person you would ever come across. My belief system is based on movies like Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail, P.S. I Love You, Serendipity, SATC, Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, Bridget Jones's Diary, Runaway Bride etc etc. But what do you do when life continues to disappoint you in terms of love. You've been knocked out more times than you were prepared for. What happens then? You give in. You don't give up.
I closed my eyes today and did a quick recall of all the men in my life at present and how many of those are the ones who are very dear to me and where did I really find them? The ones I met on a dating app and a matrimonial app, for me, today, are nothing more than acquaintances. We might have dated briefly and decided to remain cordial after it didn't work out. The actual close people in my life have nothing to do with an app. We have grown together, either as school and college friends or as colleagues. Which brings me to a big picture analysis- Do I really need these half-hearted invested people who don't give a shit about me? Even more, do I need to add more such people to the list. Simply close your eyes and think about it, how many people that we have met on these apps are a part of your inner circle? If they are, then good for you. You got lucky. But if they aren't, then I'd suggest, give it up. There is only so much that the heart can take. It's a muscle after all. It is the strongest but we don't need to test its strength unnecessarily, do we? I know Sia, I too have an elastic heart, but I'm done allowing people to tug it. I'm keeping it in a glass jar now. I don't know if the jar will open or not. But I am not holding my breath. So much about me has changed that the profile that I had initially made seems like that of a stranger. And I have no intention of making a new one. Maybe this is what acceptance feels like. It's not really a defeat, but plain simple acknowledgement of the fact that this is not how I will find what I am looking for. Not like this. And I am done hurting my heart and soul in the process. They deserve better for all the honesty and love that they put out there into the universe. This is me, formally resigning from all the applications. Feels good to not allow more disappointment :) Feels good to take charge :)
There is a famous quote that I love- " I looked for it, I couldn't find it, that doesn't mean that it does not exist". And then there's another one- " He is out there somewhere. He is just with all the wrong women". These quotes are partially responsible for me being a bit more hopeful than I should have been ideally. So clearly, these are not the words to live by.
I decided to create my profile on 2 dating apps and lo and behold, 2 matrimonial apps as well. I was confident, sure of myself, assuring myself every now and then, I will find him. For sure. I didn't even give myself a chance to " be found ". The next question would be, why did I join the apps. If you ask me the real reason behind it, I'd say that I am not one of those girls who'd meet their soulmate on a flight or while sipping coffee in a cafe or while shopping or gymming. I don't think it happens with most girls and I am a part of the majority. People like us need to go an extra mile to get what we want. Magic doesn't happen that easily for us. And even if it does, most of the times, we're just not into that person. So basically there is no spark ( spark is a real concept, but sometimes, sparks do cause fire and I have learnt my lesson. Fingers crossed). So basically, I wanted someone. I needed someone. Is it really so bad? In today's time, I guess it is. We live in a world wherein we feel that we cannot show that we are vulnerable. So we hide it, beneath layers and layers of filters. At some point of time, I even had a filter for my soul. My beautiful aching soul. It's like wrapping up broken glass to make it look pretty. Unfortunately, the minute you start unwrapping, you open up to someone, you show them you're human, they run away faster than Usain Bolt! They leave. They're scared. Nobody wants to see who you really are as long as you look good naked. Nobody wants to go beyond the skin. It's all superficial. Makes you scared of actually being you.
For the past 5 years I have met a plethora of men. Men who had nothing in common with their profile pictures, men who had an issue with my parent's divorce, men who didn't like the fact that I was born under a weird astrological sign, men who had a steady girlfriend but it slipped their mind to inform me about it ( come on! Cut them some slack here. Juggling their job and a full time girlfriend along with me, ouch! It's definitely a task! Full marks for at least trying to make it work with me!), men who wanted nudes all the time, men who would ask me how my day was only to start sexting after 2 minutes, men who called me " too invested" in a relationship, men who didn't like the fact that my hair was shorter and less shinier than their ex's, men who would just ghost out on me to name a few. This is a cumulation of my experience on both, the dating and the matrimonial app. Don't get me wrong. There were some good ones too. Actually no. Just scratch that. If there was a good one, I would have actually made it work. Not against men, it's just that my sample didn't yield the kind of results I was expecting.
You want to know out of the set that I have described above, which one of them hurt the most. The ones who ghosted out on me after a perfect date. Anxiety kicks in once the supposedly "perfect" date walks away from you. Picking yourself up from there, now that is really difficult. Because you've been shown a new world, but just for one night. For that night, you are Cinderella. The only difference in my story is that he never came to look for me. Not once. I waited and then waited some more. And so Cinderella decided to kill her time by falling back into the same trap. The dating trap on the dating app. I am not a bitter person. In fact, I am the most hopeful romantic person you would ever come across. My belief system is based on movies like Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail, P.S. I Love You, Serendipity, SATC, Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, Bridget Jones's Diary, Runaway Bride etc etc. But what do you do when life continues to disappoint you in terms of love. You've been knocked out more times than you were prepared for. What happens then? You give in. You don't give up.
I closed my eyes today and did a quick recall of all the men in my life at present and how many of those are the ones who are very dear to me and where did I really find them? The ones I met on a dating app and a matrimonial app, for me, today, are nothing more than acquaintances. We might have dated briefly and decided to remain cordial after it didn't work out. The actual close people in my life have nothing to do with an app. We have grown together, either as school and college friends or as colleagues. Which brings me to a big picture analysis- Do I really need these half-hearted invested people who don't give a shit about me? Even more, do I need to add more such people to the list. Simply close your eyes and think about it, how many people that we have met on these apps are a part of your inner circle? If they are, then good for you. You got lucky. But if they aren't, then I'd suggest, give it up. There is only so much that the heart can take. It's a muscle after all. It is the strongest but we don't need to test its strength unnecessarily, do we? I know Sia, I too have an elastic heart, but I'm done allowing people to tug it. I'm keeping it in a glass jar now. I don't know if the jar will open or not. But I am not holding my breath. So much about me has changed that the profile that I had initially made seems like that of a stranger. And I have no intention of making a new one. Maybe this is what acceptance feels like. It's not really a defeat, but plain simple acknowledgement of the fact that this is not how I will find what I am looking for. Not like this. And I am done hurting my heart and soul in the process. They deserve better for all the honesty and love that they put out there into the universe. This is me, formally resigning from all the applications. Feels good to not allow more disappointment :) Feels good to take charge :)
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