God, are you listening? It's me, Aaliyah...

 Dear God,

Today I write to you, hoping that you are sitting right by my side as I type it all out. What happened god? How and when did we fall apart? I remember that we were still tight till April. Then I went to Switzerland for a conference and I got a bit busy to speak to you daily. I forgot to be grateful. Was it then that you started looking the other way? Or was it when I went to India for my fieldwork and almost died due to Leptospirosis and Hepatitis that you left my side. I am so hurt. So broken. How could you let this happen to me a second time. As someone who works in the public health sector, always carries her own water bottle, always uses a hand sanitizer, hand washes obsessively, wears socks and Skechers to the field to avoid mosquito bites, avoids street food, how is it that I am the one who is always falling so sick? How is it that I am constantly dying? I never thought that it would happen again. And it did. And I died. And I came back. And I wanted to die. And I lost my faith. I feel so alone and so broken. I cannot hear your voice anymore. I cannot feel your presence anymore. I keep making mistakes these days cause I feel that what is the point even. I have lost my sense of right and wrong. I feel that my heart is in your hands and at any given moment you can pull the plug. I am not even angry anymore. I am so disappointed in you. I am becoming someone I barely recognize. Is this all still a part of your plan? Is there still a big picture that I cannot see? Are you still around? Are you as disappointed in me as I am in myself? Am I worthy of forgiveness? One of my closest friends left me last night after I confessed my mistakes. He said all the worst possible things to me and just left my side. He even went to the length of blocking me. All because I was vulnerable and told him about what was happening in my life. Would you do the same? Maybe you have already done the same. I have cried my eyes out, not because of my mistakes, but because when he left, he said the most vile things about me. Maybe they all were true. Maybe I truly am a horrible person. But that's the thing god, I still don't feel guilt or remorse. I should. But I don't. I still feel that this is all a dream. Was I even in the ICU? Was I really that sick that the doctors said that I needed a biopsy? Am I still typing all this? I am in a constant state of trance. My head hurts. I used to love spending time with myself and now all I can think about is running away from my thoughts. I need you. I really do. Show me a sign please. Help me. Tell me what do I do now? Even if I continue to make a mistake, still don't leave my side. Just be there for me unconditionally cause I am so lost without you.

Love (feeling lost and broken),

Aaliyah

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