Just one of those days

 I am in India now for my fieldwork. In Kerala, to be precise. It is the epicentre of Hepatitis A, Mumps, Nipah. You name it! Amidst all this, while doing my fieldwork, I broke my ankle. My fieldwork involves me going to hilly inaccessible regions. There I visit households, talk to them about their water issues, about how they tackle waterborne diseases and what support they might need from the authorities. I also spread awareness about how they can protect themselves from waterborne diseases. The monsoons in Kerala can be a bit ruthless. It rains for days. A broken ankle is actually the least worst thing that could have happened to me but damn it is so painful!

I have been to 50 households by now. Each house has its own story to tell. I was really fascinated by it all. 

But that is not the reason why I have finally decided to write. I have been on bed rest for around 3 weeks now and have been bingeing on Insta. 

Today I got closure for the 2017 version of me. I am a happily married woman but at one time I was also just a girl with a broken heart. And when I look back at my photos from 7 years ago, all I can say is WOW! You were stunning, gorgeous and kind. Too pretty but too broken.

I don't remember if I ever mentioned him in my blog. And I don't know if it is worth mentioning now. But this is my closure story. 

When I was in 9th grade, I was told that a guy in my class, let's call him M, loved me. I was an awkward teenager who did not know what to do with this information. One day when I was coming back from the library he came in front of me suddenly and said - I love you! Time stopped for me in that moment. I kept wondering if it was all a dream. I felt like Mia Thermopolis and he was my Michael - he saw me when I was invisible. We kept looking at each other for some time and then we went our separate ways. I went back home and told my Mom about it and of course she did not like it. I told him the next day that nothing could happen between us because I needed to focus on my studies. He understood. Everytime we would cross paths in school, we would just smile at each other. This went on for the next 3 years till we graduated and lost touch completely.

Years later, he reached out to me on Fb and we got connected. It seemed like no time had passed and now I did not have to focus on my studies. So we could begin something. He had recently got out of a relationship so I thought that maybe we could be friends first. I was wrong. We were much more than friends (at least in my head) until I noticed Tinder on his phone. When I asked him why, he simply shrugged and said that he wanted to explore what all is out there. I took this a bit too seriously. It felt cumulative for some reason. The 14 year old me and the 25 year old me were heartbroken all over again. Hence, it hit harder than expected. I felt betrayed and I was lost. 

A week later I heard that he was dating someone way younger. She seemed really pretty. He kept posting photos with her on Insta. I kept doubting myself and feeling small till one of my friends told me that she had seen the girl he was dating with someone else and that too in a matrimonial setting. I was happy that day. Really happy. 

Years passed and last night, I was randomly looking at my archived photos. There it was on Insta, our one photo which I could never get to delete. So I decided to see what he has been up to. He got married a week ago to a very very young girl. She must be in her early 20s. And she looks like the girl next door. Just like I did when I was about her age when we were kinda sort of dating. So it was never about the looks. When he had left me without any explanation, I kept doubting myself. I kept asking myself that why wasn't I enough? Why did he need Tinder? And now, just like that, I got my answer. I was enough. I was amazing! He was too little for me. 

I am so grateful for my husband. I tell him everything. I told him everything that was going on in my heart cause he is like my best friend. He tried his level best to see my view point that this episode was important for me but he just could not move past the point that I stalked someone from my past. He is my husband after all. I wish my best friend was available that time, but she was attending a wedding. 

So I thought that it would be best that I write about it to say to my 25 year old self that darling, you will end up being married to a prince who will adore you and love you for you. And whose entire world will revolve around you. And you will be more than enough for him. Just you wait. It will take 7 years but he will come and the second you see him, you will know. Meanwhile M, ha ha! Iykyk. You will win my sweetheart. You will win! 

Love,

Aaliyah

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