What happens when all your dreams come true?

I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I am exactly where I am supposed to be - love-wise, career-wise, so I should be the happiest person on Earth? Right? I went through my past blogs recently and I realised that my main struggles in life have always been around finding a good life partner and a job where I am respected and allowed to grow at my own pace. I got them both! Am I happy now? Am I satisfied? Am I at peace with myself? Well, the honest reply to this is no. Because it takes a ton of effort to sustain what you receive. Some days, it is more challenging than even having to work for it in the first place.

Let's talk about my PhD for starters. I love it on most days. This is what I wanted, right? This is what I always wanted. And now when I have finally received it, I feel that every day, something happens, that pulls me down. It may be an ill-mannered colleague or my inability to make progress at a particular speed that I thought I could match. At 31, I feel like I am really old. Socialising feels like such a task. I'd rather be home, watching Netflix wrapped up in my throw, surrounded by my fairy lights. 

I get so tired when I have to walk uphill or when I have to take a flight of stairs. And what am I doing about it? Nothing! Cause I am not motivated at all. Motivation to get fit feels like a feeling that I barely remember. The last time I was motivated to bring about a change in myself was back in 2013. I still remember this, I had 10 days to fit into my dream dress and go out on a date with someone who I thought was the love of my life. I worked out really hard and went on a crash diet. Lost all the weight. But did not gain him. Cause it was never supposed to happen like that. I've been of different sizes all my life and I've had people still have commitment issues.  For starters, I never thought I looked great, but trust me, now when Google Photos shows me memories of my past, I go - Oh damn! I was one good-looking girl. 

And now, when I barely feel pretty, I am married to someone who just does not bother about these things at all. So what was the point? Running after the wrong people thinking you are not good enough, when in reality, it was never meant to work out with any one of them. I wish I had not blamed myself after every heartbreak. I am mature enough now to realise that the problem was not even with them. The problem was with us. If we all are part of a puzzle, then my puzzle piece and their puzzle piece were never supposed to fit in the first place. No matter how hard I tried, it almost always ended up breaking parts of me. 

So coming back to my main question, what happens when you have it all? It gets lonely. Making it sustain is challenging. Even on the days I feel like not doing something, I have a constant buzzing in my head reminding me to be grateful for it all. Gratitude to me is such an honest and pure feeling that it can't be faked. I have so much going on in my head right now. I barely have the capability to be grateful. But there is one thing for sure that does not happen. You do not think - What if? Cause this, where I am right now, is the ultimate best "What if?" scenario. I may have lost sight of it, but if you ask me to go back to any day from my past, even if it were yesterday, I would still choose today. Cause today, no matter how hard it is, today is still my best day. In maths, we use the summation symbol ∑. I feel that this symbol is who I am. I am the sum total of all the good things, all the bad things, all the successes, all the failures, all the nice people I have met, all the lessons I learned from the wrong people, all my good days, all my bad days, all the lyrics of the songs that I love, all the favourite dialogues of the movies that I keep repeating, all the highlights in the books that I make when I can relate to a line, all the clothes that don't fit that once did, all the clothes that still do fit, all the food that I burnt, all the food that I didn't, all the coloured pens that bring a huge smile to my face, all the heartbreaks, all the moments that made me smile, all the moments that made me cry, all of my saved posts on Instagram. 

There is so much more to me that even I don't know yet. So even though I got everything that I once prayed for, life does not stop for you to take cognizance. Every day is a new challenge. It is so easy to lose sight of things and just cover yourself in a throw and cry all day long (ngl, I do it on some days still). But it is also equally easy to make yourself a cup of tea, look out of the window and say "You've got this!". And today, I choose to do the latter. 

Love,

Aaliyah