Is it okay to lose people?

 I took a work from home today. Was too lazy to get out of bed. Plus I had a million household chores that I had been avoiding for so long. My husband is not around for the past few days and I feel like half a person. Had I been single and would be reading this blog, I too would have made fun of me. Who even says that. But having been married for over a year now, I can say this with full confidence that you need to be married to the right person to be able to understand this. But I am not writing this cause I miss him terribly. I miss him in small pockets of time, in glimpses of some moment that had happened in the past. I am writing this blog because recently, a friend of mine made me realise that I have started losing people. People lose fat, people lose hair, I lose people!

I either deliberately cut off or I send a text message to end things. I have done this at least 10 times now. The worst part is that in most cases, I feel lost after I do this. It is neither a sense of relief, nor a sense of guilt. All I can say is that I don't really feel good after doing this. 

Confrontation is the hardest thing to do on this planet for an INFJ-T person like me. Mainly because, I don't understand when my arguments turn from logical to downright negative blaming. It escalates at the speed of light and then I have no control over my thoughts and words. I follow this up with at least two days of wallowing in misery. Coming out of the bed is the hardest thing. The best thing, I have 0 intentions of making things okay between us. ZERO! 

Lately, I have not been feeling like myself and I don't even remember what being myself felt like before. "Who am I?", this question is such a difficult one, harder than any exam question I  have ever faced. I want to re-read my blogs and old journals to maybe find a glimpse of the kind of person I used to be before. But I don't think I will be able to relate with it at all. 

I got the best husband in the world, the job that I always wanted and yet, there is this huge void in my mind. I have no clue how or where that appeared from. All I know is that adulting is hard and I am not at the top of my game. I am too scared to visit a therapist. They have this tendency to open boxes from my childhood that I have locked so tight and I feel that I will lose it if anyone tries to enter the attic of my mind. Things in the attic are best left undisturbed. 

Let me make a list of the things that help soothe my senses usually and see if they have helped me yet. 

1. Opening the windows and looking outside while sipping a cup of coffee (not having tea cause he makes it way better and I want to wait till he is back) - ❌

2. Journaling - I have stopped maintaining a diary at home ever since I got married. I keep one in my work locker. Hence, I am blogging to see if it helps - Maybe 

3. Talking to a few friends about what is bothering me - ❌

4. Talking to my husband - A little bit, only in that moment. 

5. Talking to my mom - A little bit, only in that moment. 

6. Watching a romcom on Netflix - A little bit, only in that moment. 

7. Trying to answer a few work emails - ❌

8. Cleaning my house - ❌

9. Sitting in silence and processing my thoughts - ❌

10. Colouring in my Mandala colouring book - Yet to try. 

11. Eating a chocolate - ❌

Why are words not bringing me any comfort. Neither words, nor food. Do I need closure? Maybe I need to send a mail to everyone I lost touch with (purposely or unknowingly) to explain my side and apologize if need be. Confrontation is so hard! Unbelievably hard. But maybe there are too many unfinished chapters in my book of life. And it has come back to haunt me now, when I was finally feeling "settled" in life. 

Hope this feeling subsides real soon cause I feel like I am losing myself in the process. 

Not signing off this time. 

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