World Water Day!

 It took me over a year to write this. Maybe because it took me over a year to feel like this. Feel accomplished. 

Exactly today, 2 years ago, I was made to feel so small by my boss, on a World Water Day event which was organised by one of the biggest development agencies I was working for back then. If I had to choose between my miscarriage and that moment, what caused me more pain, hands down, it would be that humiliation. That is the level of trauma that sometimes our professional life gives to us. 

Cut to 2023. I am well settled in the UK. I am following my dreams. Yes, my PhD did happen, for real. I am married to the best life partner I could have ever chosen for myself. I have built a small, beautiful home here. My life is relatively simple here, except for the inflation, of course. Lots of respect! Lots of care! Lots of love! Lots of friends! Lots of places to explore! And lastly, lots of rain! That is my life in a nutshell.

When I look back, I wonder what was the point of the hardships. I just get one answer. To be able to realise that the blessings have to be earned. They will not be handed over to you ever. Bad times are a testament that good times will be there. Of course they will be. If I pause for a moment and allow myself to feel all the difficult challenges I crossed to reach here, in this wonderful office of mine, filled with scientists across the world, I will feel nothing but triumphant. My life was that of a gypsy earlier, trying to find my home in random strangers, until AG happened to me. Talk about milestones, I achieved all of mine in 2022 - got married, did the paperwork for UK, moved here, started my PhD. Sometimes we don't realise how badly we wanted something until we actually can have it. Every day on my way to work, I look at everything as if it were a miracle. Like it was universe's conspiracy to bring me here. It kept its faith in me but it wanted to see if I could keep the faith in myself. 

I am still haunted by being touched inappropriately at work, by being made to shut up by my boss because he was too insecure of my knowledge, and of course, the best one "you are so easily replaceable. There are 10 more like you waiting for this job". And now, here I am, proudly representing my country amongst the best minds in the world. I feel that maybe this is what self-actualization is supposed to feel like. It is not self-love per se. It is knowing that you are good enough. Rather, realising that you are good enough from a number of experiences. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

When I was in India, I was always thinking that who is doing better than me professionally. Why am I so behind in the race? Now that I am here, I aim to learn just one new thing daily. One new fact linked to my subject. Understand it, read it carefully, absorb it. I do this because I can. Because I am not in a rat race anymore. There are no deadlines. I always wanted to study, to learn. To be able to grasp concepts. I can do that now. I have the time and the peace of mind.

So that day, on the event with the big pomp and show, I most definitely lost the battle. But after all this time I can proudly say that I won the war! I sometimes feel like a scientist in Rocket Boys. I am just like one of them. I think every scientist is. I just did not know this while I was stuck there. 

This is me, happy, smiling, grateful, blessed asking my future self to read this blog on the day that things are not going your way. It is an indication from god that something bigger and better than you ever imagined is headed your way. Just keep the faith and have the cake! This too shall pass. 

Now that I am married I have 0 boy trouble in my life. I love being married. It is like staying with your best friend and fighting on things like who will switch off the light today or who will throw the garbage or who will do the laundry. It is that simple. I have had enough relationship drama prior to my marriage to last me a lifetime. Very happy to have a simple life now. I like dal-chaawal. It is good for me.  

Lots of love,

Aaliyah 


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