Because it is the most wonderful time of the year! Is it really?
It is a Saturday morning and I am up earlier than usual. My plans today -
1. Do not take a bath
2. Do not change your pajamas
3. Do a little bit of researching about the ongoing water schemes in India ( a part of my job as a Researcher for a larger than life firm)
4. Read a book titled - The One You Cannot Have ( I guess by now you have an idea of where am I heading towards)
5. Watch a movie - Anything Christmassy on Netflix
6. Video call my best friends who are far away from me
7. Cry, Eat cake, cry some more
I am sure point number 7 caught your eye. But it's true. I have been looking for love for the past 5 years. Really! And I could not find it. I've been on dating apps, I've met people through matrimonial apps, I fell for someone at my place of work ( totally unethical but I'm only human, cut me some slack), I've met people on flights, I've met people in cabs, I've met people at a friend's wedding. Heck, I've even met people at a funeral! Well the point is, that I have been open to love but love has been so closed away from me. It's like it would purposely touch my hand and just ghost out on me. While I sit here and ponder- What did I do wrong? All my friends are getting married. They even have a baby now. And I am just sitting here, thinking about why did Derek have to die in Grey's ( I know, I still can't get over it even after all these years!). So maybe it's not you ( whoever you are), it's me. I drive people away- by being too happy, too chirpy, too bubbly. But that's a defence mechanism I've set up for myself. I've mastered it over the years. I close my eyes and go to my happy place- It is an Irish cottage, with a fireplace inside, wooden flooring, a really comfortable couch, has a big bookshelf, a huge bathtub... I am sitting at the couch, sipping my hot chocolate, reading a book. Even when I am dreaming, I don't have the courage to dream of someone in my house. That's how broken I am. Too broken to dream of a significant other. How did I become her, is something that I would simply call- LIFE! Life happened to me.
Of all the people I met, apart from one, I left all. I am not too proud of this, but I have a gift- if I don't feel something within the first 5 minutes of the date, chances are that I will never feel something. I know, it sounds stupid. But believe me, I did not just randomly jump to this conclusion. In my entire life, let suppose I have been on 50 first dates ( wow, the movie! See, why couldn't someone love me like Adam loved Drew, anyway- focus!). Out of these 50, there is just 1 first date that was electric. The one that got away ( Thanks Katy for this amazing number). Does it happen with you as well? You keep going back to that one memory. Time and again. Smile. And then come back to your reality. I've seen magic. I've felt it in my bones. And now I can't have it. Maybe one day I will. Maybe it will be some other kind of magic. But there would be no tricks around this time. It would be like Elsa's magic! The one that comes from the heart.
Anyway, so as I sit here and post about how all my friends are happily married and how I, at 28 am single af, I realise that maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Writing always gives me clarity so I do that whenever I can, but other than that- maybe it is a blessing that god chose me to be alone at this time. Actually no, scratch that. I wanted someone I could hold on to, someone who loved me as much as I loved him ( no, he should love me more :P), someone who would put my anxiety to rest, someone who would want to see the world with me, someone who would just stay. Stay, with me, by my side, through the thick and thin. Not someone who wants me every time he's horny. Not someone who would call me on the weekend and then pretend like I didn't exist on the weekdays. I want a good man. Someone who cares and is not afraid to show it. Someone who is good - for me, for the environment, for everyone.
So what do I want for Christmas- This amazing man who wants me for who I am. Just like Darcy says to Bridget- I like you, just the way you are. And someone who is okay with the fact that I will love him like crazy because I want to celebrate love, celebrate us. I've been on the other side of life and believe me, it is so short. It takes a moment, for the house of cards to come crumbling down on you. And, I for one, believe in living everyday like it was my last. So Santa, this is me- wishing for a true Christmas Miracle. I want somebody to love and I want that somebody to love me back. After all, love is all that there is, right? No I'm not desperate. I've been patient for 5 years now. I am just looking for a miracle to keep my faith.
I wrote something down the first thing I woke up. I want my blog to have it. Maybe one day, when I have my own home, in a distant land with a lovely man, and two lovely daughters and a big German Shepherd, I'll go through this blog and smile. But until then, it's just me and my cute little laptop, looking at each other and smiling at the thought of my beautiful dreams.
There's an emptiness inside me
that just won't go away.
I tried to fill it a million times,
But it seems like it's here to stay.
What am I looking for?
Who am I running from?
A place that I can call my own.
A lover who makes me feel at home.
I don't know what the future holds,
It all just seems so dark.
Would I ever get my happy ending,
And my life be like a walk in the park.
You and I,
Me and You,
The syllables
I am so afraid to use.
Even when I'm dreaming,
I'm afraid to dream of "us"
It takes a split second for life to change
And for everything to be reduced to dust
If you do miss me at all,
Do come back.
I'm keeping the door open this time,
For light to enter and our life to finally get back on track.
The optimist in me refuses to give up,
"One last try", she says
Innocent yet reckless,
The heart prays for you to stay.
Maybe one day
You'd come around
Maybe one day
My voice would be your favourite sound
Maybe one day
You won't leave
Maybe one day
I'll find my peace.
But until that happens,
I'm letting you go
I'm letting me go
I'm allowing myself
To fly solo!
For every second that I live for you
Is every second that I live less for me
Maybe life is actually beautiful
And not supposed to be such a tragedy
If it's meant to be, it will be
They say
It pierces my heart every time I hear this
So I fall on my knees and pray.
Pray for you
Pray for us
Pray for all that we could be
Pray like I've never prayed before
Pray like this was what I was living for.
And even if I don't get my Christmas miracle,
I'll always be grateful that you stopped by.
And maybe I'll always love you more than I am supposed to.
All my little heart can do is sigh!
Love,
Aaliyah
1. Do not take a bath
2. Do not change your pajamas
3. Do a little bit of researching about the ongoing water schemes in India ( a part of my job as a Researcher for a larger than life firm)
4. Read a book titled - The One You Cannot Have ( I guess by now you have an idea of where am I heading towards)
5. Watch a movie - Anything Christmassy on Netflix
6. Video call my best friends who are far away from me
7. Cry, Eat cake, cry some more
I am sure point number 7 caught your eye. But it's true. I have been looking for love for the past 5 years. Really! And I could not find it. I've been on dating apps, I've met people through matrimonial apps, I fell for someone at my place of work ( totally unethical but I'm only human, cut me some slack), I've met people on flights, I've met people in cabs, I've met people at a friend's wedding. Heck, I've even met people at a funeral! Well the point is, that I have been open to love but love has been so closed away from me. It's like it would purposely touch my hand and just ghost out on me. While I sit here and ponder- What did I do wrong? All my friends are getting married. They even have a baby now. And I am just sitting here, thinking about why did Derek have to die in Grey's ( I know, I still can't get over it even after all these years!). So maybe it's not you ( whoever you are), it's me. I drive people away- by being too happy, too chirpy, too bubbly. But that's a defence mechanism I've set up for myself. I've mastered it over the years. I close my eyes and go to my happy place- It is an Irish cottage, with a fireplace inside, wooden flooring, a really comfortable couch, has a big bookshelf, a huge bathtub... I am sitting at the couch, sipping my hot chocolate, reading a book. Even when I am dreaming, I don't have the courage to dream of someone in my house. That's how broken I am. Too broken to dream of a significant other. How did I become her, is something that I would simply call- LIFE! Life happened to me.
Of all the people I met, apart from one, I left all. I am not too proud of this, but I have a gift- if I don't feel something within the first 5 minutes of the date, chances are that I will never feel something. I know, it sounds stupid. But believe me, I did not just randomly jump to this conclusion. In my entire life, let suppose I have been on 50 first dates ( wow, the movie! See, why couldn't someone love me like Adam loved Drew, anyway- focus!). Out of these 50, there is just 1 first date that was electric. The one that got away ( Thanks Katy for this amazing number). Does it happen with you as well? You keep going back to that one memory. Time and again. Smile. And then come back to your reality. I've seen magic. I've felt it in my bones. And now I can't have it. Maybe one day I will. Maybe it will be some other kind of magic. But there would be no tricks around this time. It would be like Elsa's magic! The one that comes from the heart.
Anyway, so as I sit here and post about how all my friends are happily married and how I, at 28 am single af, I realise that maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Writing always gives me clarity so I do that whenever I can, but other than that- maybe it is a blessing that god chose me to be alone at this time. Actually no, scratch that. I wanted someone I could hold on to, someone who loved me as much as I loved him ( no, he should love me more :P), someone who would put my anxiety to rest, someone who would want to see the world with me, someone who would just stay. Stay, with me, by my side, through the thick and thin. Not someone who wants me every time he's horny. Not someone who would call me on the weekend and then pretend like I didn't exist on the weekdays. I want a good man. Someone who cares and is not afraid to show it. Someone who is good - for me, for the environment, for everyone.
So what do I want for Christmas- This amazing man who wants me for who I am. Just like Darcy says to Bridget- I like you, just the way you are. And someone who is okay with the fact that I will love him like crazy because I want to celebrate love, celebrate us. I've been on the other side of life and believe me, it is so short. It takes a moment, for the house of cards to come crumbling down on you. And, I for one, believe in living everyday like it was my last. So Santa, this is me- wishing for a true Christmas Miracle. I want somebody to love and I want that somebody to love me back. After all, love is all that there is, right? No I'm not desperate. I've been patient for 5 years now. I am just looking for a miracle to keep my faith.
I wrote something down the first thing I woke up. I want my blog to have it. Maybe one day, when I have my own home, in a distant land with a lovely man, and two lovely daughters and a big German Shepherd, I'll go through this blog and smile. But until then, it's just me and my cute little laptop, looking at each other and smiling at the thought of my beautiful dreams.
There's an emptiness inside me
that just won't go away.
I tried to fill it a million times,
But it seems like it's here to stay.
What am I looking for?
Who am I running from?
A place that I can call my own.
A lover who makes me feel at home.
I don't know what the future holds,
It all just seems so dark.
Would I ever get my happy ending,
And my life be like a walk in the park.
You and I,
Me and You,
The syllables
I am so afraid to use.
Even when I'm dreaming,
I'm afraid to dream of "us"
It takes a split second for life to change
And for everything to be reduced to dust
If you do miss me at all,
Do come back.
I'm keeping the door open this time,
For light to enter and our life to finally get back on track.
The optimist in me refuses to give up,
"One last try", she says
Innocent yet reckless,
The heart prays for you to stay.
Maybe one day
You'd come around
Maybe one day
My voice would be your favourite sound
Maybe one day
You won't leave
Maybe one day
I'll find my peace.
But until that happens,
I'm letting you go
I'm letting me go
I'm allowing myself
To fly solo!
For every second that I live for you
Is every second that I live less for me
Maybe life is actually beautiful
And not supposed to be such a tragedy
If it's meant to be, it will be
They say
It pierces my heart every time I hear this
So I fall on my knees and pray.
Pray for you
Pray for us
Pray for all that we could be
Pray like I've never prayed before
Pray like this was what I was living for.
And even if I don't get my Christmas miracle,
I'll always be grateful that you stopped by.
And maybe I'll always love you more than I am supposed to.
All my little heart can do is sigh!
Love,
Aaliyah
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