When Nothing Seems To Make Sense- Read This


Note to Self: Really read this because you need it right now.
Now, clearly, why should anyone read this? I am no spiritual guru who knows the answer. In fact, I am a nobody. Who doesn’t even wish to become a somebody. Because being somebody means something. It means a lot and it can be overwhelming at times. But I was not like this. I was a ball of fire, a Hydrologist carving her name out in the world till one day I was diagnosed with Acute Liver Failure. That day, my life changed. I mean literally. It changed. I am still trying to figure out if it is a good change or a bad change. I am a survivor of a horrible horrible disease but now I am out of it. Remember your first day at school, when you had no clue what was happening around! When you were blankly staring at everyone, hoping to find comfort in someone, anyone. Well, my life has been pretty much like that for the past 5 months. I am not complaining, don’t get me wrong. But it’s just one of those phases when you actually know what feeling lost feels like. The beauty of the word ‘lost’ kinda syncs with your soul. It’s a device paired kinda notification that happens automatically. So basically, Lost and I are having a simpatico relationship.
I quit my job cause my boss was a jackass. The only reason I took his shit for as long as I did was because I was working on great projects ( minus his interference). But now I don’t need that anymore. So yesterday, when I finally had a heart to heart with my CEO, I told him that my reporting manager was the real hepatitis in my life that led to my Liver Failure. It was not the Hepatitis E Virus that I had contracted from contaminated water that I had consumed in one of the villages where I was working. Honestly, it felt liberating. Someone treat you bad for so long that you start seeing yourself like that? Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman- “ The bad stuff is easier to believe”. I think she was right.
But is this how I want my story to end. As of now if I plot the graph marking all the major events in my life, this is what it would look like
Year vs Event
1991 Being Born
2009 Falling in love for the first time and being loved back, only to be left after 5 years when I decided to pursue a Masters degree from UK. I got a full scholarship for it but I also got dumped cause he found someone younger and prettier and way cooler the minute I left. ( Again, not trying to gain sympathy, it happens to almost everyone, so I am not alone here).
2015 Coming back to my home country and serving the nation as a Social Scientist in the rural areas. Falling ill frequently in the field despite of all precautions but not giving up, ever.
2019 Acute Liver Failure Survivor ( without a liver transplant)
Oh my god! Is this it? My life in 4 lines?! Is this how it’s supposed to be? I know, it’s okay if I don’t have a special someone here. I think I drive people away. It’s a boon and a curse actually. But that’s a story for another day.
So the words- I am lost, they are an understatement. I am existing. I am alive, barely breathing. I am here, but I am confused. I was saved for a reason. That reason was bigger than who I was. It was bigger than the sum total of all my experiences of the past 27 years put together. It was huge. And I’m trying hard to find it. But doors keep closing on my face. Loved ones keep leaving, viruses keep entering, mind is still cluttered. But my heart is resilient. And so is my liver ( fingers crossed).
You know the feeling when you try hard to be grateful for something, anything. But it just doesn’t come. It’s like the brain shoots the signals, but it just evaporates. Leaves your body like sweat. Without ever sinking in. They say be grateful. They say appreciate what you have. But what to do when you’re empty on the inside. Nobody teaches you the first aid for a broken soul!
So I decided to write a Letter of Recommendation for myself. I think we all need to do this. Sit in isolation and think. How would you recommend yourself. It’s not even self love. It’s a question of looking deep inside you. I’m not talking about your private parts, you perv :P It’s understanding who you really are. What are you really made up of? What defines you? Is it your fancy degree and your high salary or is it your ability to help a complete stranger? Is it your designer clothes and that amazing haircut or is it the heart that smiles without any reason, even when it is not reciprocated? Is it the fancy apartment that you live in and the fancy car that you drive or is it the ability to be there for your friends when they are breaking down and they need someone to just hold them? What is it that makes you YOU? Like the YOU for real.
There is more to me than my degrees and my face ( which by the way has been affected by ALF). Ideally, I’d write I’m more than my boobs and ass, but since it’s my first post, I’m trying to refrain from mentioning it, but I’ve failed, clearly :P So yes, coming back to the letter of recommendation for self. Write it down. Alone. While sipping your coffee in a crazy cafe. Do it for yourself. Like you’d do it for others. You need this. Vouch for yourself. You owe yourself this much at least. Considering that you never left yourself alone. You could never abandon yourself. Just think about it. You were there. You’ve survived so much- that job interview where you were rejected, that boy who left you after sleeping with you, your parents divorce, your disease. Everything. You have faced it all. YOU. And nobody else. You just need a gentle reminder that you’re doing good. Not great, but good. And good is better than nothing. It is something. Maybe not everything. But still. It’s there. So give yourself the appreciation for holding on. For trying. For giving up and then trying again. For existing, if not thriving. Because, let’s fix the basics first, right? Thriving can happen later.
Before I fell sick, I never saw life the way I do now. But now I view things differently. I am not a big fan of Carpe Diem. Easier said than done. When life bites you hard in the ass, the Carpe Diem just vanishes into thin air, like a fart. Live each day like it is your last. But what if, it really is your last day. So I have decided to make my life a little easier for me and I hope it helps you in some way. Do just one thing that you always always always wanted to do. Just one. Don’t take the pressure of a bucket list. You just can’t do it all in one day. Plus the list is a reminder of what I’ve missed out on, against what I have already experienced. Maybe taking a stand for someone who couldn’t do it for themselves was not an achievement, but it too deserves a mention. At least in the Personal Letter of Recommendation it does. Maybe it is not as great as experiencing the Northern Lights, but it’s something.
And Something > Nothing. Always. ALWAYS.
Even though Something < Everything, but then again, you can’t really have Everything, can you.
So start with something. Something is good. Something feels safe. Something makes sense when Nothing makes sense. Find that Something. Just one thing. It can be as basic as reaching out to an old friend and saying that you love them. Or reading about the one thing that you’re passionate about. It can be art, travel, history, beauty, health, food, cultures, lifestyle. Anything. And I mean actually reading. Not skimming through the pages.There is a reason why we are passionate about only a handful of things and not about everything. Find that reason and just smile. Do it for yourself. Because that is the Something that makes you YOU.
So yes. I hope you find that Something. And I hope I find it too. We all have that Something. We just need to smile and think about it. Hope this helps, both me and you.
Love,
Aaliyah

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