I Do, Do I?

What is it about marriages that are so difficult to understand??? In short, why don't they last? Rather, why can't they last. Take Meena Kumari's marriage for instance. When she married her husband, Kamal Amrohi ( the famous film writer who went ahead to make Paakezah) on 14th February, 1952, he was everything that she ever wanted. They were so in love then. It was his second marriage, but they didn't bother. They were young, or maybe not so young for Mr.Amrohi ( who was 34 then and Meena was 19) and in love :) Sigh! Young love :) So why the eventual fallout? ( Whatever you do, do not get married on February 14th, will explain in the end).

She knew what she had wanted all along. Quite literally. Unlike me, she never wanted a tall, dark and handsome man, with a good sense of humour and who knew how to tell me that it'll all work out just fine. I just need to be patient. She was something different. In the words of Vinod Mehta, the author of her biography, " Meena was a romantic dreamer. In her mind's eye she had a clear picture of the person who was going to win her heart. He had to be clever. He had to be intelligent. He had to be a poet. He had to be a writer. The physical appearance of the man was of no consequence if he owned an engaging and scintillating mind." 

Kamal was all that and much more. He seemed like the best husband ever. The age gap of 15 years didn't seem to bother them at all. He understood her perfectly. He took care of her, better than her own father ever did. He gave up on his career to become her full time manager. What I am not able to understand is that what caused the drift???? 

How do I know so much? Well, I'm reading her biography at present and I am on the edge of my seat all the time. So much, that when I read that Madhubala was two-timing Dilip Kumar with Premnath (the guy who always played a creep's role with ease in those days), I actually fell off my chair laughing. The gossip monger that I am, I called every friend of mine to tell them about what Madhubala had done, only to be disappointed in the end since nobody knew who Madhubala was, let alone Premnath. 

What is it with today's generation!!!! How can they not know who Madhubala was???? She was and still is the epitome of beauty. Her eyes, her smile, they can still give Deepika and Kareena a run for their money. I can watch Mughal-e-Azam again and again for a million times and never get bored. 

Anyway, disappointed, I returned to my book. Yes, I finally saved Rs.222 to buy it. I got it from Amazon, it was worth Rs.350 when I had left India. I saved money while in the U.K. by becoming a waitress, got back and when I realized that I had saved enough, I finally purchased this book, only to find that the price had been slashed down by almost 37% :) (P.S. I was never a waitress, I hardly cleaned my own dishes, let alone pick up after others :P I just wanted to gain some sympathy by saying that I bus tables to save 3 pounds for a book :P An epic fail at trying to pull off a Meena Kumari :P Drama Queen that I am ;)) 

Okay, cut to modern times. Susanne-Hrithik, Farhan-Adhuna, Bruce Willis- Demi Moore, Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher, Scarlett-Ryan Reynolds, Jennifer Anniston-Brad Pitt. From Bollywood to Hollywood, we've seen it all. I mean seriously guys, is it like a trend or what. See, I respect the sanctity of marriage and I also understand that every person has a right to be happy and if it's not working out, leave with grace and dignity. But what I wonder now is that, why doesn't it work? If it did once, why can't it work again. The general answer that I'd receive at this question would be " irreconcilable differences between the couple."

You know how I look at it, if he is the one who knows exactly what is going on inside your head and if she is the one who is aware of your every move, if you both are that predictable to each other, why is it so difficult to understand each other now, when you could once do that with ease earlier?? 

Just talk it out. Is it because you got bored of the other person? But weren't you best friends once? You can't divorce your best friend, right. You wouldn't cheat on your best friend. You wouldn't ignore them, wouldn't lie to them. So how is this any different?? 

I wish I could have tried to save my parent's marriage. I really do. Well yes, there, you have it. I said it. My second most powerful revelation on my blog. That's why I take the concept of a marriage very seriously. Till last year, I was okay with the idea of a divorce. It was a personal choice and I applied the concept of ' To Each, His Own' to it. Now, it's personal.

Now, I'm all about, save the dolphins, save water, save electricity, save love. Puberty?? Nah! I'm too old for that. And I'm not pregnant either, so why the emotional fluctuations. Maybe because I realized that if it's not forever, it's not love. And I'm looking for forever. My parents were married for 28 years. That's a long time. And now they're getting divorced. I've tried to talk to them, yell at them, love them for all that they've done for me as individuals, look past their mistakes, like they've looked past mine. But the fact remains that, I am mad at them. 

Now that I'm old enough to understand, I know where they went wrong. At least I think I do. They never had a heart-to-heart about the things that were not working out. I never saw them sit and discuss about the faults in their marriage. They maintained a fake smile for the world, while they died inside, piece by piece. I shudder to think if I shall have the same fate, as my parents, as Meena and Kamal or as any other couple out there getting divorced. 

I think by now, I get the concept of marriage. It is a partnership between two people who are the best of friends, who know about each others most irritating habits and still don't judge or hate each other. They don't have to love those habits necessarily. They don't have to find them cute. But they have to respect it. And if they can't then at least be vocal about it. Don't fight. It's a discussion. Not an argument.  

Love is permanent. No one can change that. If it's not, then it was never love in the first place. Someone taught me this :) There are several other words which at times can be confused with love. Crush, infatuation, fondness, attraction etc etc. The only reason stopping me from marrying my best friend right now is that I'm straight. Had we been lesbians, I would've married her a long time back. 

People confuse attraction with love most of the times. All I would want to say from my personal experience is - 

1. Marry your best friend. Nothing you say or do is going to annoy them, (except flirting with others)

2. Marry if and only if  you know what forever means, else live and let live

3. If at all you get married and it doesn't work out, appreciate and respect the good times. No bad-mouthing under any cost.

4. Believe that if you're honest with each other at all times, no matter how hard it is, it will work out. But just don't give up on your honesty and have faith.

5. Communicate. Always. Tell them when they're looking fat or maybe not if you wanna save your ass :P, tell them that you miss them or tell them that anything that annoys them. But say what you need to say. Please. Do. Don't let distance come in between you both. That ruins it all.

Learn to differentiate between attraction and love. Attraction is when you like the person for what meets the eye. Love is when you understand that there is more than what meets the eye. Much more. It is not necessarily beautiful or charming, but it is a part of that person's existence. But keep in mind that it is just a part of the real deal. Not the real deal. 

In the end, I'd like to conclude on a happy note. My favourite lines from the movie, Runaway Bride. This is how Richard proposed to Julia. This is exactly the truth of marriage, explained in the simplest words. 

" Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me. " 

And yes, coming back to why not pick February 14th as your Wedding Day -

1. Meena Kumari got married on that day, she had a sad marriage

2. One of my aunts got married on that day, I'd rather not talk about her marriage. Her husband caught a box of condoms in her luggage. And they hadn't slept together in ages. So yes, it didn't work out that well :P

3. My parents got married on Feb 14th :P 

4. I was supposed to be getting married on this day, this year, but I'm glad he cheated ;) Else maybe, even we would've had a similar fate as the rest. 

I'm off the hook for good ;) But still, I would like a box of chocolates and flowers on V-Day :) The hopeless romantic that I am ;) 

So, I Do. Believe in Forever. I believe in it against all odds :)